February 28, 2009
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General Guidelines for Relationships
I need you to
- agree or disagree with points made here
- add points you think I missed and fit in well
- whatever else related (particularly the second of the above two needs)Thanks!
1- Relationships should never be started if there are things you want to change about the other person. You need to like them for whoever they are, flaws and quirks included. Expecting your partner to conform to your wants could have devastating results over time.
2- Monogamous relationships should never be started if you think you can do better or want to find someone better (or just more combatable) or are planning to remain on the lookout while IN the relationship you're thinking about entering.
3- A relationship should not be entered if you can't talk to the person about anything and everything -- unless the ability for good communication is something that exceeds your relationship expectations. (Which it shouldn't.)
4- A relationship should not be entered if you do not know what you want to get out of the relationship or what the other person means to you. Plainly stated, you should be on the same page: mutually interested, and sharing the same overall goals. Even if that goal is sex. Have the truth out there.
5- A relationship should never be started if you have irreconcilable differences. An example of this would be a Christian who bases his entire lifestyle and belief system around his faith. If someone who ran an abortion clinic* expressed interest, I don't care how good the chemistry is, he should not see her (see point 1).
6- [edited] A relationship should never be started if one person does not love themselves. You should love yourself even when your partner is not around. If you don't, you should not be getting into a relationship.
Disclaimer: This is a rough draft. It's four in the morning. I am tired. I probably have a lot more points I could have made, or words that would have made these points better, but, I'm tired. Also, I don't have a list tying to figuring out when a relationship should be entered. Figuring that out is harder and much more flexible (and much more influenced by religion or philosophy), IMO.
*This is just an example. I'm not about to get all into abortion. Hopefully you can see the greater implicationw of that sentence.
Comments (16)
I agree with them all except for the last one. I think the person you're in a relationship can actually help show you who you really are and bring the best out of you.
Regarding number 1, it seems to me that if you care about someone, you're going to want them to be the best person that they can be, meaning that there are going to be at least some things that you would hope would change about them...not necessarily HUGE things, but I can't think of a single person that I know that I don't want to grow and change.
Regarding number 6, I think that you need to tweak the first sentence. Because people change and grow, I'm not sure that at any given time a person can completely know who they are, if that makes sense.
Ha, I'm going to talk about the last one too...
I think there's a very large difference between knowing yourself and loving yourself. I loved myself before I knew myself. Now I know myself, but I also hate myself. Go figure.
I do agree that you should have a firm grasp on who you are as a human being before you enter a relationship.
I like this. I know so many people who don't think things out.
Oh, and there is a problem with number four in that most people themselves don't know what they're looking for. So it's hard to put that into a relationship, although they should tell the other person that they don't know where it's going or what they want. Maybe a little note should be put aside for those situations.
I agree with the last point you made. As I go along, Im really starting to see this point. You can't love anyone if you do not love yourself. Sadly, its taken my awhile to figure this one. But every thing you say here is definitely true...at least in my experience.
I've yet to finish reading this because I'm very short on time, but I disagree with the very first one, in which you state that two people should not begin a relationship if they don't like something about each other.
I feel that in order to have a strong and healthy relationship further down the road that you must overcome what you don't like in the other person -- it allows for two people to mature and understand the relationship. But that's the beauty of a relationship -- you grow alongside someone, intertwined with them; you don't need to do it alone.
I feel that a relationship if a compromise and that nobody should feel forced to, as you said, conform to what the other person would like best to see them as, but that they should be willing to be flexible for each other.
I don't think that it should be necessarily expected, so on that point, I do agree.
- Reilly
I don't agree with 6 - most people don't love themselves, but relationships can help you to start. It shouldn't be a requirement beforehand; that's expecting too much of both/all parties.
3 and 4: These are very good points, but I think that the focus should be shifted - entering a relationship in these situations is OK, but you should not *stay* in the relationship if there is no sign of working towards honest communication and understanding. It takes people a while to get to that point, and it's part of the development of any relationship, romantic or not. I think totally honest communication and understanding is highly important in relationships, but it usually needs to be built up to.
5: This is a good guideline but I think it depends on the relationship, what the people want out of it, and their individual situations. If each person can justify the relationship with their personal beliefs and the relationship does not cause them any crisis of identity or lifestyle, if they can set aside their differences while participating in whatever their relationship is, then it can work out. I mean, like you said, some people enter relationships with sex as the mutual goal. With this as an example: if having a sexual relationship is not in and of itself contrary to either/any party's beliefs or lifestyle, and if their conflicting lifestyles never enter into their relationship, then it can technically work out. This is extremely rare, but it happens sometimes.
About number 6..you don't have to love yourself. Maybe the reason that a person enters a relationship in the first place is to learn to love themslves. Yeah, it could cause problems in the relationship, but it's not that big of a problem.
@baconlicious112 - Of course you have to love yourself.. how can you love another person if you can't even love yourself?
"you grow alongside someone, intertwined with them; you don't need to do it alone." -ReillyonFire
ENOUGH SAID.
Number 2:
No one knows the future. No one knows if the one they're with will be the one they belong with. No one can predict what will cause a relationship to flourish or what will cause it to burst. All we can expect is that the person we are heading into the relationship with can give everything they've got. We trust that both parties are willing to ride it out together.
Let's not play stupid. We are all attracted to more than one person. All we ask is that we use what makes us different from primal beasts, our mind, and we logically pick apart those possible mates (outside of the monogomous relationship). But we do it together.
I don't know how much of that makes sense to you, any questions you know what to do.
NO FUCK ALL THAT BS i JUST WROTE.
UPDATE:
How will you know what's better if you haven't given her a chance?
How will you know what it is she has to offer? or what she can't offer that someone else can unless you put that mentality away long enough to figure her out completely.
That's a complete cop out!
Number two is a complete cop out.
@hubbaduh - @Shy___Away - I totally agree with you. I had some mild phasing issues as it was four in the morning. My list off Xanga is better now, but updating this would seem weird, what with all the comments. Basically, yes, regarding number six, people change and grow... but their heart and soul and core values stay pretty much the same. Behavior may change, but their intrinsic them-ness does not. A firm grasp on who you are as a human being is imperative to have before entering a relationship. Regarding number one, I more meant that you wouldn't want to change their core values or aspects of their personality. Not like, you want to change the fact that they are terrible with managing their money.
@you_were_the_song_all_along - I agree with you when phrased that way. They can help you. However, the person should still love themselves first. I still stand by that. Otherwise the relationship will eventually drag both of them down. I've seen it happen all too many times. One person is depressed and hates everything about themselves and their partner tries to play the role of Savior showing them everything that is so wonderful about them... but sometimes they are not willing to stop and see it. And eventually they will both burn out.
@AlabasterAndChrome - I agree. And thank you for the rec.
@desertrose2890 - I am glad you are realizing this now. Better late than never!
@ReillyOnFire - I did say that two people should not begin a relationship if they don't
like something about each other, but I didn't exactly mean it as it reads. I meant more like they didn't appreciate that their partner was shy and inable to express their emotions when they themselves were crazy extraverted and emotional and open with their emotions and things that may just be...incompatable. I agree with you about maturing and growing together. However, I don't feel that growth needs to be done with someone else. There is nothing wrong with being alone.
@CryTheLondonEye - I definitely agree with you on most of your points here, especially that entering a relationship in most of the situations here is alright, but one should not stay in the relationship if there is no sign of working towards honest communication and understanding, etc. And, with number five, I more meant, if the relationship does cause an identity crisis regarding personal beliefs or lifestyle, it wouldn't wok out.
@baconlicious112 - Loving yourself is of utmost importance. I disagree with you.
@Jesusluvsme414 - Number two is not a cop out. Sometimes you just know when things will not work out. Sure, no one knows the future and no one knows if they're with the one they belong with. But you can get a pretty good idea. I have amazing friends. I expect for my lovers, particularly those I would consider being monogamous with, exceed the amazing qualities of my friends. And since I haven't really found this to be possible, I am fine sitting back and having a lot of friendships that border on "more than" to meet various needs. I cannot commit to someone that I am not emotionally, intellectually, physically, spiritually, and sexually attracted to. It needs to ALL be there. I have *extremely* high standards for my monogamous dating relationships, which is why I am refraining from entering into any at this time. If I entered into a [monogamous] relationship with someone that did not make my life substantially better with them in it, I would be hypocritical to much advice I've given recently.
Every point is very wise...if people actually thought this deeply before entering a relationship, the world would be a better place!
Are you ever really "sure" of someone though? There may be issues that bother you, but you can overlook them at first to seeif they will actually be things you can "grow" from and adapt to, or if they just become the "bullshit" that makes you leave them.I don't smoke, and wouldn't want to be with someone who does....so do I exclude all smokers as potential candidates? I'm missingout on a large crowd if I do that...but, deep down , I would hope that the person would quit, thus extending their lifespan, reducingmedical expenses, lower life insurance, lower heath insurance, etc...and it really sucks kissing an "ashtray".
There have been many relationships that in my "mind's eye" , I could see most of the conflicts, potential problems, incompatibilities, and BS before I ever stepped into it....but my heart wanted to 'give it a try'. Every time, I should have followed my gut, because itdidn't work out , usually for one of the reasons I thought of beforehand. But, every relationship I've been in, as good or bad as it was, made me grow as a person. I've learned more about myself, and who I am...as well as learned to be more adaptable and understandingof others. I've also met interesting people, made new friends, experienced new sensations, visited new places, etc. SO, sometimes it's not such a horrible thing to enter a relationship when you don't fit the guidelines. Yes, if you follow these very wise guidelines, you will probablynot end up with a broken heart, or have to deal with drama you don't want....but it's called living, and I guess I am a glutton for punishment!!
@szaubi - Thank you. Now, regarding some questions/statements...
"Are you ever really 'sure' of someone though?"
Yes, I think you can be. And if you're not sure, then maybe they're not right for you. The way I see it, the person you're dating should make your life substantially better with them in it. If you feel that you could do without them, or that you like only certain parts of their personality but are really bothered by others, or if they make your life worse on any level, they're not right for you. But people don't like to hear this because of the lonliness and sexual attraction factor. The id kicks in ("I want it and I want it now") and this is why people get into abusive relationships and serial date and do other generally unhealthy things.
"There may be issues that bother you, but you can overlook them at first to see if they will actually be things you can 'grow' from and adapt to or if they just become the 'bullshit' that makes you leave them."
I'm curious about what exactly is good to "adapt" to? It's one thing if you alphabetize the spice rack and he hates that and you compromise, or if he hogs the covers, but there are some things that shouldn't be adapted to. This is argument rests on a slippery slope. There is a difference between adapting and changing. The person should never have so much "bullshit" that you would even want to leave them over it.
You can't expect for a smoker to stop smoking for you. Quitting smoking is something that the individual needs to want for themselves, and they can't just want it for themselves because you want it and they want you. That's not reason enough. If they are secretly craving cigarettes and you're always saying no, they'll grow to resent you, even if you are saving their life. So maybe you should rule out smokers if it bothers you that much. You can't "deep down" expect them to quit. That's not fair to you or them. And, regarding your dating pool, look at it this way: Most of the population is heterosexual. If you think that not dating smokers narrows down your potential partners, try being gay and tell me what you think of your new dating pool of <10% of the population.
"I could see most of the conflicts, potential problems, incompatibilities, and BS before I ever stepped into it....but my heart wanted to 'give it a try'. Every time, I should have followed my gut, because it didn't work out , usually for one of the reasons I thought of beforehand."
Yeah this is what happened with K. This is what usually happens.
"But, every relationship I've been in, as good or bad as it was, made me grow as a person. I've learned more about myself, and who I am...as well as learned to be more adaptable and understanding of others. I've also met interesting people, made new friends, experienced new sensations, visited new places, etc."
I agree. All my relationships have made me grow too. All my friendships have made me grow. Xanga has made me grow. My few bordering-on-sexual encounters have made me grow. I'm just looking at the trade-offs. You experienced all those wonderful things, but you also experienced abuse and heartbreak and financial loss and... you know what I'm saying? It just seems like a better deal to me to sleep with friends wait, not get involved.
But I'm only speaking for myself, really.
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