October 5, 2009
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trans rant
The truth? I’m afraid of what my body would look like post-transition. I’m afraid what my voice would sound like. I’m afraid I would regret it if I didn’t get the changes I want. I don’t even know what changes I want. I just know I don’t want to look like my father. Which would probably happen. But seriously. I don’t know if I want to live my life as male. As a man. I’m afraid to age as a trans guy. I’m afraid my dysphoria over my lower half will only grow. I’m afraid it will consume me. I’m afraid I will want surgery. Why can’t I just be a lesbian? Wouldn’t that be easier in the long run? It’s just, I’m really feminine… and I don’t know how to be a feminine dyke because… I don’t want to be a girl. I don’t, at all. I'm not a girl. But I don’t know if I want to be a man. I’m a boy, and a woman. Neither, and both. Where is the line in this binary society, and how can I walk it? What kind of feminine do I want to be? Do I want to be a small, short, feminine mannish person; or an "average" feminine womanish person? I am even still considering the possibility of being female. I just don’t want to continue THIS way anymore, hyper-masculinizing myself, my appearance, in order to “pass”, in order to be received as male. But I still feel perceived wrong most of the time. I feel perceived wrong no matter how I’m being perceived! It only feels “right” when people know I’m trans. When people understand the extent of my female socialization and the degree to which I identify with women. So why transition then? If I identify with women and feel uncomfortable in male-dominated spaces, why become one? Why not remain female? I don’t know. Honestly. All I know is that I can’t stay this way. Something has to change. I don’t feel that my current way of presentation is true to me. It’s too masculine. It’s too... young boy. I don’t like being fifteen. I’m almost 21, but I don’t see it. I don’t see it at all. Sometimes I feel it, like when I’m interacting with professors or grocery shopping or paying bills or cooking dinner… but I don’t see it in my relationships, I don’t see it in many of my actions, and I certainly don’t see it in the mirror. Julz raised a good point in her video where she renounced her identity as a transmale and voiced her desire to be recognized as a butch lesbian; she said, “I think it was so appealing to me to be received as male because then I am received as a good boy, a gentleman, normal, upstanding. As a butch lesbian, I am received as a deviant, a freak, visibly living a life contrary to the traditional way of doing things.” I can’t break free from this feeling that those are the reasons I am “doing this” (perhaps more accurately, feeling this). I’ve internalized all of society’s homophobic messages. They’re all I know. I’ve given my soul over to the binary. Actually, that is a lie. My soul has no gender, it sees no binary. Should I take a gender identity in this life it would be… this. Transgender. Beyond gender. Bi-gender. Gender-free. I guess that’s not really “taking a gender” then, is it. Well, I can’t. but I guess it’s necessary I choose a sex. That’s so difficult though. Oh, my body. It limits me. It confines me. It’s so praised, the body, so valued. So much importance is placed on it, on attractiveness, on gender, on age, on height, on size, on ability. I am not disabled. I am able and I am capable and I am intelligent. But my body. The body controls so much of our life experience. I just, I don’t know. What kind of life experiences do I want to have? What community to I want to be a part of? Will it destroy me to lose the lesbian community? I don’t like to think about it. I don’t like to think about things changing. Because I’m so blessed. I have so much going for me. But this… this is always there. Every time I use the bathroom. Every time I shower. Every time I have sex, or navigate the dating pool, or breathe really. Thank you sir. Thank you ma’am. Inconsistent. Even within the same conversation. “Oh, I love Eli. He’s such a great writer.” “Yeah, she’s really talented.” What? I’m tired of this. I’m tired. I’m tired of being judged and I’m tired of judging myself and I’m ready to move forward in some way. I just want to move forward. I want to hold hands and be united with others and talk and converse and cuddle and make love and share. I want community. Let's move forward.
Comments (8)
Gender is wrongly dichotomized. People are male female and everything in between. For those of us brave enough to navigate that, it's very difficult.. but I salute you for being true to yourself, in whatever marvelous and varied dimensions that is.
I feel for you, I really do. This must be tough to go through. But if it helps any, some of us can embrace a person who is BOTH genders, or who does not fit into any gender. I am absolutely fascinated with people who switch their outward appearance from moment to moment. I'm attracted by sexual fluidity, and I would prefer to be with someone who is NOT following society's clear line of division between the genders.
I would be happy with someone who claimed to neither gender, or both genders. I would also be happy to be with a more "effeminate" (god, I hate that word - but I use it anyway) man, or a more butch woman. I prefer people who are happy to be themselves - no matter what that all entails.
So if you would like to continue staying the way you are, then do so. If you would feel happier making a decision about being something other than what you are now - or feeling like you are finally completing who you've been all along - then do that.
But I think the world is a better place when other genders exist beyond just "male" and "female" - and it's good when even males and females push the boundaries of what it means to be one of these genders.
I think you should make the decision that will make you feel happy - and the one that feels right to you.
[[huggles]]
I love you
I read the whole thing, and wish that I had some sort of amazing words of wisdom/advice, but alas, I don't. Just know that I love you....always will...and if you ever need to talk/need anything, I'm always here for you
Cuddling fixes everything. This is my one and only belief anymore.
Also, no Langva feminine, please and thank you!
Sex and gender never coincide as neatly as society would like them to. I understand your feelings, your frustration. I hope that you will find an equilibrium.
For me, it has taken me several years to accept my body. Even now, I sometimes despair about what I have. But it is a process, this accepting. My body is decidedly feminine. My personality? It can be hyper-masculine or hyper-feminine or anything in between. The way I present myself is something of a middle road. I am always recognized as biologically female, and I've come to just accept that as the mode in which I need to navigate society. When people take the time to get to know me, they find very quickly that I am not the stereotypical "woman". I am subconsciously put in the "guy's club" for discussions and general interaction. It's only in certain specific moments where some people are unsure of how to treat me - like one of the guys, or just another girl. It's still hard to deal with that. But I have to let people choose for themselves how they process me. I cannot force that. I can only be me. And that forces them to look beneath the surface. The people who are important, they understand.
This is a building of character, an internal struggle for a sense of self. Look inward, know who you are. The rest may be difficult, but it falls into place eventually. I promise. It just takes time.
You are amazing, and you have so much to offer. My love and best wishes to you.
I understand the frustration but I would say that, until you're absolutely certain what you actually want the result to be, perhaps you should forestall a decision or action. Just a thought.
This may or may not come off as a strange or insensitive thing to say..
but sometimes I feel like I would be happier if I had no gender at all. I'm completely male, in every biological sense of the word... and just have no identification with the fact at all.
I'm straight.... I just have no sense of masculinity. I don't feel or act particularly male.. I just happen to be XY. Does that make sense?
It is a source of great irritation and insecurity for me; especially in this bullshit-macho-masculinity climate American culture is so prone to.
So, while I can not entirely identify with your plight... I empathize. I didn't know what else to say about it.
@ElliottStrange - But see, that's the thing, Elliott. I know I would be happier if I had no gender at all. But society has no room for that. Being completely female in the biological sense of the word is a great source of irritation and insecurity for me, for similar reasons to yours. I'm not straight, and I have no concept of... well, either gender role. It's very difficult to feel beautiful or attractive in a world that limits beauty to certain "brands" of masculinity and femininity. Juxtaposing my own behavior with societally constructed ideals for masculinity and femininity, I do not feel or act particularly male nor do I feel or act particularly female. I happen to be XX, but should that determine my destiny? I am all-too aware of the importance of my skin in all of this. If I remain in the skin I'm in, I'm going to be labeled a lesbian for the rest of my life, even if I couldn't identify with that label any less. It's difficult. I don't know what to do about it.
@xthread - It's probably not the most reassuring concept in the world... but there's probably nothing you can do, current social climates being what they are.
People have been taught intolerance and fear of the unfamiliar. There really isn't a place for you no matter what you appear to be - it will still just be a caricature of the truth to help you blend in.
It's sad... and I am sorry.
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