August 8, 2009

• Mad World?

  The truth is, I want to throw myself in front of a speeding train, jump off a bridge or cliff, lock myself in a running car in a small garage, drive into oncoming traffic, or anything certain to end my life.  But I keep posting positive shit because no one wants to hear that.  Also I keep thinking that all this positivity will change me.  It hasn't.

  Every time I think things are getting better, I find out new details that only make me further upset.  I honestly feel as if I'm on rock bottom... only until I feel myself fall a little further.

  My parents wanted to get me mental help, to appease the parents of my ex-girlfriend.  Their motivation to get me help was to be as a barter, so that her parents would stop threatening to take legal action against me.  That was a week and a half ago.  Since then, there has been no talk of getting me help.  But I need it. 

  I'm going crazy, and no amount of friend's love is helping.  I sincerely cannot take life right now and do not desire to live through this.  I have never known these emotions before, and this scares me.  If I didn't have faith in my future, that in time I will overcome this, I would have already done something drastic. 

  But right now it doesn't matter that I'm not going to kill myself; it matters that it's all I think about.

  • 9:06 pm
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