March 8, 2009
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Trangst: A Personal Blog
I'll admit upfront, I am writing this one for me alone. You can read it, but don't rec it.
I wonder how many things I do for other people. I wonder how many things I do for myself. I wonder in how many acts that I think I am being sincere and heartfelt I am really just blinded by emotion, or how many times I think I am being selfless and humble, I am actually self-centered and full of pride. I wonder how much of my motivation for transition is external and how much of it comes from within. Society has assigned fairly rigid roles, with people of every background and orientation clinging to some label or another. Who am I to think I am beyond that? Who am I to think people can see me beyond them?
I only ever fall for straight girls who consistently prove that they can't like me back, that they don't see me that way--that I am still, in their heart and mind, female--and they are not gay. I have never seen, even when I looked like I belonged in a beauty pageant, my attraction towards women as something that should be perceived as gay or queer. Only when I like queer women do I find it queer. Only when I like gay men does my attraction make me feel queer. I'm like a chameleon, taking on others' labels and identities. Heterosexual females don't make me feel gay. They make me feel... stereotypically heterosexual: chivalrous, ready to take charge and comfort and listen and lead. Straight females makes me want to slow down a little bit in this queer life I lead and recognize heterosexuality as something beautiful, which I'll admit I often lose sight of. Monogamy as something beautiful. Getting dolled up and wearing elegant dresses as something beautiful (girls, I mean, not me). I could go on, but this is like, not the usual Eli, and I don't want too leave too lasting an impression on those reading this.
People have been yelling at me lately, telling me that my polyamory and my long list of reasons why I wouldn't or shouldn't date are cop-outs, I have commitment problems, I'm just "too queer." I've even heard a lot of "I understand." But they don't. How could they when I don't even. Days when I want to go back and relive high school as the trans male I exist as now, so people could have memories of me that are of Eli and not of my birth name -- and certainly not my senior yearbook photo. So that girls I loved could see me as someone worth fighting over and asking to prom, so that I could be free to be me and not forced into a dress to so no one thinks the friend I took is a lesbian for being with an "out" queer (complete with tux). Visiting my old high school is like a breath of fresh air and a slap in the face at the same time. I always forget how much I miss the place... I also forget how petty the drama is. And my past involvement in it all.
My life has unfolded in a way where the only people really expressing interest in me right now are gay men. This really doesn't have much significance, considering how scarcely I have any interest in men... but maybe it has significance sociopolitically. Maybe it's something to note that while I am making strides in the queer community and look male enough to hold the interest of gay-identified men, I'm still stuck spinning in circles in straight society. Maybe I should reflect on that. Would I really want to go back to a place where I felt stereotypes were meaningful or necessary to perpetuate in any way, anyway? When I kept fractions of myself hidden away so I could "fit in"?
I don't know who I am sometimes. I completely lose sight. Sometimes I think that I am cool with my body and not transitioning, and then something happens and I freak out. The mirror, usually; my physical body not being what I've come to perceive it as. But sometimes it's a circumstance. Something as silly as seeing high school seniors cry about not having prom dates, and wishing I could just one time go to prom as a guy. Ray asked me to be his "man-date" for his queer prom, in response to today's emotional state, and I suppose that would be my chance, and I love him for it. But it's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about normal high school stuff that every kid goes through. And I had it, I guess. I went with this guy I dated and broke up with a year before. We broke up when I told him I was bisexual and struggling with feelings for my best friend. He expressed disgust that I would "choose" that lifestyle. But we made up and found ourselves at prom in terribly stereotypically male-female roles. We were actually placed on a pedestal by people who knew us; we were just "too cute." There are pictures of him and I littered all over my house. My mom loves to look at us. I cringe. This isn't the prom I am talking about, where I was coerced by society's strange demands to behave outside my comfort zone. I want to accompany a girl to prom, and show the world the person I have grown into, the person I am not ashamed to exist as.
Maybe this whole thing seems stupid. I'll admit, it does to me.
I'm just a little emo today. A little bit "high school."
Quoting someone I love dearly: "As I continue shedding my layers, I don't like to be associated with that previous person. I reflect and learn and grow from who I used to be, but it makes me uncomfortable when I encounter people who knew that person. I always feel like they see the old me, and that makes me uncomfortable."
Oh, there's a lot going on.
Comments (10)
[[huggles]]
i love you so much. dios mio, es verdad.
...
WOW. I had NO idea!
You're right, people can't say, "I understand." Because they DON'T and may never will! I sure don't. But I know enough to say you're a strong person. Guy or girl. You're strong and THAT'S what's important.
I'm Cathollic, and was raised to believe anything/anyone that associated with gay/bi/les/trans/... was WRONG. Well actually...correction...The ACTIONS were wrong, not IT itself (If that makes ANY sense at all. It took my a LONG time to finally figure it out "Actions are sins, not just being gay.") and that "lack of certain hormones" is the main cause. Although in ways I do believe that, I actually have nothing against it. It's none of MY business so why shake off friendship for judging? it's not worth it. That's why I believe people like you are strong. Strong enough to be who they are. Not like people in this society who tend to be anything BUT themselves just to "fit in" or "be accepted" So I applaud you for being...you. And nothing more, but nothing less.
You still have a LONG life ahead of you my friend, you will find "the one" just as most people in this world. I certainly hope I find him. Maybe I already have...who knows...it's only been a month and we're only 17.
I wish the best for you on your Life Journey.
"Don't give up trying to find your way. But do remember that sometimes it takes bending to avoid breaking." ~Katinka Hesselink
"Worry does not empty tomorrow of sorrow - it empties today of strength. "
~Carrie Ten Bloom
"Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."~ Harriet Beecher Stowe
Okay, so I don't actually know you, but I have to say, I find you utterly fascinating. I subscribed to your blog because of your pro-queer and intelligent comments left on other people's blogs. The author of such knowledgeable comments was someone I just HAD to check out. I look forward to all your posts (even though I tend not to comment. I should probably start doing that, eh?), and you tend to present things in a logical and beautifully queer way. I find people who can slip in and out of stereotypical gender binaries incredibly hot, and even more so than that - I find people who are androgynous INCREDIBLY hot. A mixture of two or more genders ... so cool!
You walk in a world that I wish I could visit. I look like an absolutely straight female, although I do not consider myself straight in the slightest. But despite my personal orientation, where I currently live is absolutely removed from any queer culture I might wish to dwell in. I enjoy the stories from your life, and other people's alternative lifestyles, because it lets me escape from the rigidly straight society around me. People like you give me hope that one day we'll live in a world that will be more accepting of the "other."
I think it would be absolutely wonderful if a person could dress however they want and go with whatever gender they wish to go with for prom. I don't know if I will ever see that day, but hopefully future generations will. I just want to encourage you to be yourself and continue down the path you want. I think you're a beautiful person, no matter how you identify yourself, and I enjoy reading the insightful posts you put up on your site.
At my senior prom, if you wanted to invite someone from out of town who was the same gender as you, it wasn't allowed. Luckily Miranda and I went to the same school...and the yearbook editor (as well as art teacher) was a lesbian...there are at least four pictures of us there. I'm sorry that you didn't get your dream prom.
Sometimes those stupid high school things just slap us in the face like that.
@christina_believe - You had no idea... that I was trans? I wrote it in a comment on your blog, haha, so I don't think that's it, but maybe... Well, anyway, thank you for all your compliments and the inspirational quotes at the end, and for just taking the time out to read and comment. I was raised to believe much the same things. In fact, it wasn't until I realized that I was attracted to women that I stopped juding people around me for behaving in ways I was raised to believe were wrong (like listening to Marilyn Manson, for example haha). It's very hard for me to perceive things as black and white or right and wrong, now that I'm on the other side of this belief system. I agree that it is difficult to be me in a black-and-white society that demands you to be one thing or another and in which everyone just follows along blindly, almost like zombies in many regards. And while I'm not sure I even believe in "the one", I do appreciate your encouragement in that regad and too wish you the best on your journey.
@Kitzress - Aye, so I'm a hottie, is that what you're saying?
No, but, in all seriousness, thank you for your comment. I am guilty of vicariously living through the lives of others and I must say, it's some sort of weird honor to hear that someone is doing that with my life. I'm glad to hear I can contribute some queer shades to your life mosaic. 
If you ever want to chat, shoot me a message. I can't tell you how much I love conversing with other queers, or hearing about others' unique challenges. I'd love to hear your perspective on being "invisible" as a queer in society. (I assume since you appear heterosexual that also means you are mostly invisible as a lesbian, correct me if I'm wrong.) Thank you thank you thank you for all the compliments. 
@oozeJesus - Yes. Always the petty high school things... Thanks for the comment, and for sharing your story.
I consider myself a pansexual, actually. I'm attracted to all types, whether it be male, female, gender queer, both, neither, other, trans, etc. I think all types are hot, and I think a person's soul is more attractive than their body, or their soul makes their body attractive. I am currently in love with a boy, so I appear like a straight female. But before him, I was in love with a gender queer, and that relationship had to be much more discreet since we were two biological females. Oh, and I consider myself a woman.
Actually, I had a question for you. Have you ever seen a short documentary called Gender Rebel that aired on Logo as a show once? I just saw it a week ago, when my lovely gender queer was visiting me. She said it really spoke to her and made me watch it. I thought of you, actually, since you frequently discuss your personal struggles to identify where you fall in the gender identity spectrum. It's about three biological girls who each do not feel like they are 100% stereotypical girls. I recommend you watch it if you haven't already.
I love this kind of stuff, too. I'm always hesitant to comment, but I do enjoy reading your blog (and seeing how others relate). But I am always up for discussing anything that might be a shade of the rainbow!
I just started my Xanga today and am so glad I found your blog. You sound like an amazing person, and I can't wait to know more about you (I promise I'm not a stalker!)
I find myself becoming more and more detached from my straight friends as I slowly inch my way out of the closet. Good luck on your quest of self-discovery!
@Kitzress - Hey, I apologize for just throwing out the assumption that you were a lesbian; I wasn't even assuming that you were, it's just the word that came out (if that makes any sense). I even considered changing what I wrote to say "queer" but then it read funny. I more meant it the way that I tell people I'm gay, even when the real story is that I am queer / trans. But I appreciate your clarifying anyway (about everything). So now I know for sure. (I ID as pansexual too -- if that is not made way too obvious by the way I write.) "I think a person's soul is more attractive than their body, or their soul makes their body attractive." Ah, beautiful.
On the subject of Gender Rebel, yes I've seen it; my queer-gender friend Jamie (so luckly to have a neutral name) made me watch it some time ago now. It spoke to me too, and it makes me happy you thought of me.
Guess that's all haha.
@PeopleJuice - Thank you for reading and commenting and complimenting me and subscribing to my site and recommending my other blog and for even joining Xanga haha! I look forward to seeing you around.
And best wishes on your journey out of the closet!
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