Month: November 2010

  • Gratitude


    "Sometimes in life, things happen too fast. We barely solve one problem when two new problems surface. We’re feeling great in the morning, but we’re submerged in misery by nightfall.


    Every day we face interruptions, delays, changes, and challenges. We face personality conflicts and disappointments. Often when we’re feeling overwhelmed, we can’t see the lessons in these experiences.

    One simple concept can get us through the most stressful of times. It’s called gratitude. We learn to say thank you for these problems and feelings. Thank you for the way things are. I don’t like this experience, but thank you anyway.

    Force gratitude until it becomes habitual. Gratitude helps us stop trying to control outcomes. It is the key that unlocks positive energy in our life. It is the alchemy that turns problems into blessings, and the unexpected into gifts.

    Today, I will be grateful. I will start the process of turning today’s pain into tomorrow’s joy."


  • on sexism and heterosexism

    so yesterday i was driving around the vassar campus and i came upon this sight: a van (taking up both lanes of the road i might add) being driven by a girl leaning across the passenger side seat and basically out the window, talking to another girl walking her bike.  and the thought occurred to me that if this driver of the van was male i would have interpreted the scenario differently. and then it occurred to me that i was at vassar. and gender rules, roles and stereotypes just aren’t the same at vassar as they are everywhere else. so i started thinking.

    a few weeks ago we watched this documentary in my women images class where this woman walked down a city street with a camera and filmed the guys hitting on her as she did it (as well as their reactions/ responses when she confronted them). at one point during the documentary a man responded that he hit on her because she “looked single”. she challenged him on that saying that it seems as if he’s suggesting that she need to be hanging off the arms of a man in order to be shielded from the male gaze, sexual harassment, and related. i think he tried to say that that wasn’t what he was implying, but… that’s exactly what he was implying. solo women appear single. and it doesn’t stop there. groups of women are all single as well.  and hetero.

    in section after the lecture where we watched that documentary a few of the girls brought up dancing at clubs and how if a group of girl friends were together (with no guys) single guys thought it was their place to infiltrate and start dancing with them (or flat-out ON them) without their permission. they talked about the girl code of signaling that the friend should come in and get in between her friend and the guy to spare her friend the encounter. i vividly remember my brief encounters with this in 2008. my hair was short and i’m pretty sure i was read as a lesbian by most people, and yet i still had men on me, on my friends, all around us, and if we didn’t have a code there would have been a lot of unwanted scenarios. and i remember wondering what gave them that right.

    the other day emma and i were watching the l word (the end of season one in particular) and jenny who had been coming into herself as a woman who is attracted to women was asked out by this guy (in a way that seemed pretty random to us as the viewers). emma paused the show to discuss how it’s not right or fair or whatever that a guy can go up to an unassuming female and strike up a conversation that will end in the proposal for a date. but if you’re gay (and she referenced the scene with dana trying to figure out if lara was gay) you have to jump through hoops first, not only to find out if they’re gay, but to just to find out if they’re going to get offended or not. we got into a conversation about how there isn’t equality in that way. the people who are the recipient of homosexual advances don’t always say “thanks but no thanks” in the way straight people do- no, sometimes there’s aggression (either physical or relational) involved that complicates things in a major way, and if it’s not present the fear of it still is. so you have a lot of single queers.

    we talk a lot in therapy about what led to me at 20 getting into a relationship with a minor (at 16.75 yrs) and i’m going to say that i think a lot of this was at work. not even just within me and shaped by my personality and perceptions (and love) which i've talked about a million times before, but all this social stuff too. the truth is you DON’T have the freedom as a queer person to ask out the people you think are attractive, you don’t have the freedom to take a chance with desire the way you would if you were straight. you aren’t just limited to the (let’s be generous) 10% of the population who identify in a way that could make you two a match but you have to break your back (and heart) to figure out if the person you’re talking to isn’t of the heterosexual majority. and that’s no easy task. even understanding this, society won’t forgive me for responding to a love that literally fell into my lap during a time when i thought i would never find love? i think it’s absurd. and i think even they understand how absurd it is. but their hands are tied. like all of ours.

    other related thoughts: the idea of “public vs private” is absurd. all that is private relates to all that is public, and all that is public relates to that which is private. marriage and family arrangements and sex and reproduction- these are all private matters which the government has its hands in. today in “women in early modern europe” we looked at how royal women influenced politics through their relationships with family members who had more political power. we looked at how women used religion (priests, confessors, nuns), piety (the idea that their first obligation is to all that is religious and couldn’t possibly have a political agenda) and illness (woe is me, bring me a priest that i may share my political troubles with…) to give themselves a voice. we basically discussed how women—thought to be inferior to men—used informal and indirect means to create political change. they used their PRIVATE relationships to influence PUBLIC matters. that was in the 1300s. i don’t think anything’s changed. i have faith that people are just as crafty now as they were then. in fact, i’m pretty sure this happens every day with the christian right.

    another thing that hasn’t changed is women’s position in society. i just read a 200 page book (studying england, 1300-1600) where the author’s thesis was: women’s work stayed still in a changing economic world. within a traditionally female-dominated profession (brewing ale) technological advances were happening, things were becoming more specialized and professionalized, the rate of consumption was increasing, there was more demand… and as this happened woman began to get pushed out of the occupation. the more status the job incurred, the more capital was needed and the less women could afford to remain employed; guilds were formed that excluded women; it was taken over by capitalism and woman could no longer keep up.

    i bring this book up for a few reasons: 1- it illustrates how patriarchy is not a plot, it’s just the maintenance of male power, 2- it illustrates the silencing of women in a systematic way, 3- it shows us again how law linked to the bible influences individual (private) lives, 4- it illustrates a segregation of the sexes which led to an eventual exclusion of women from a high-status job they once had direct access to. and this is important to me now because this is our history and this is all still true today where women do all the low-paid domestic labor and childcare and continue to live in poverty disproportionally to men.

    i guess this was all just a really long tangent to say that i don’t think homosexuality is going to become an equally valid lifestyle to heterosexuality for a long long time. because it’s been 700 years since the 1300s and there’s still continuity in the area sex-segregation and religious beliefs and related, and for as long as that continuity remains, queer lives aren’t going to have a chance. i’m reading this book (you’ll hear that phrase a lot lately) and one of the author’s main points is that it isn’t gay SEX that gets society all freaked out, it’s gay LIFE and LIVING. it’s the idea that two men or two women (or a community of friends and lovers) could be complete outside the traditional heterosexual pairing. because it just screws up our timeline, our stereotypes and our misconceptions.

    and i guess somewhere in here i’m back to where i started, with these thoughts and ideas about assumptions of heterosexuality and how solo people appear like single people and all that junk. i don’t really know what more to say about it, i don’t really know how to fight it, but i think it’s important to acknowledge its existence and that even we queer folk do it. 

    i possibly have more to say on this subject but this is already quite long and all over the place and i think i should leave you here.

  • spring schedule

    spring schedule so far

    • research methods
      study of scientific reasoning and critical thinking, correlational and experimental research approaches, including control, designs, statistical analyses, and hypothesis testing
    • psych of language
      study of language behavior and its relation to learning and thought processes. attention to language acquisition and psychological phenomena of speech and speech perception. social aspects of language and non-verbal communication
    • masculinities
      examines how masculinities are constructed and represented culturally, socially, and institutionally; how race, class, gender, sexuality, age, ability, and nationality inflect understandings of masculinity; how masculinities may reproduce or challenge inequalities
    • rape and sexual assault
      explores the realities of rape in our culture with special attention given to acquaintance rape. also: society's response to and perpetuation of rape on both grass roots and institutional levels. areas to be explored will include: activism; education/prevention; advocacy; legal and therapeutic theories

    alsoooo one of the following:

    • psych of perception
      perceptual processes of form, color, movement, space, localization, and constancy. consciousness.
    • psych of memory and thinking
      theories and research regarding the mental processes of acquiring and retaining information for later retrieval, and the manipulation of that information for complex skills such as reasoning, decision-making, and problem solving
    • modern philosophy
      philosophy of the 17th and 18th centuries: bacon, hobbes, descartes, spinoza, leibnitz, locke, berkeley, hume, and/or kant. topics may include: subject/object, mind/body, self/other; theories of knowledge; ethical and political theories
    • later greek and roman philosophy
      selected works of the ancient stoics, epicureans, skeptics, and neoplatonists in their historical and cultural contest
    • history of christian thought
      a survey of representative thinkers and documents of the christian tradition, from biblical times to the present. also: the christian encounter with other religions and cultures
    but which one?  vote now. :P

  • psych homework (cosmopolitan)


    Go to the library, local bookstore, or hit the web - check out a magazine that you wouldn’t normally read that is targeted at either men or women. No porn please! For example: Maxim, FHM, Men’s Health Magazine, GQ, Esquire; Cosmopolitan, Ms., Women’s Health, Vogue, W. Describe 3 examples from the magazine (either from images, ads, articles, etc.) that either support or oppose traditional gender roles and stereotypes. Do you think the magazine is constrained by social norms (i.e. broadcasts what the reader expects/wants), or is responsible for maintaining these social norms? Pick one of the major explanations for sex differences from the text (e.g. Social Roles, Socialization, Evolutionary, or Hormone Theory) and use it to explain why the publishers of your magazine might feel justified in presenting a gender in a certain way.

    Cosmopolitan magazine is not only constrained by social norms, but it capitalizes on them. The idea that men and women are “opposites” permeates the language, layout, and purpose of the entire magazine. A “woman’s” magazine, it is littered with advice for women (but only feminine, heterosexual women) and their relationships with (judging from the contents) masculine, heterosexual men. (I didn’t see any room for women who are gay or unconcerned with fashion or beauty or sex anywhere within the pages. But I also didn’t expect to.)

    Their articles range on their justifications for why they maintain social norms. In the article “8 Times It Plays to Be Cocky” they flat-out blame testosterone (hormonal theory) for the reason men have “always been more comfortable than women with blowing their own horn… and reaping the benefits”, while in the article “Why Guys Cheat on Hot Women” they point to theories of social learning in saying that “Many two-timers come from chauvinistic cultures or families where their fathers cheated. ‘There are internal blueprints (created by watching our parents) that make cheating more of an option for some guys.’” In yet another article, “6 Fascinating Facts About Men Today”, they note socialization theory, that men are “told to be thoughtful, caring, passionate, connected, fathering types [but also] still expected to be ‘macho.’” It seems to me that they will take justification for being sexist and heterosexist from just about any source, even if that means misrepresenting academic studies on gendered behavior. (Almost every article contains something said by somebody with a PhD somewhere and I personally don’t feel that from those studies they could draw the conclusions they drew – at least, not every time.)

    And, I can’t blame them. If they instead suggested the truth, that men and women are more alike than different, they would eventually phase out the need for their magazine. You don’t need a magazine to tell you how to interact with men if you have the know-how to do it yourself – so, in order for sales to continue, men need to continue to be “othered” and explained off as some unusual creature from another planet; “pleasing your man” needs to remain among a woman’s top concerns (oh, and she needs to be ignorant about it, too!); and infidelity needs to be explained away by science so as to not fix the problem but sweep it under the rug like everything else.

    Above all, I am outraged, I am physically upset to see women presented as sex objects in "their own" magazines.  While I don't condone the depiction of women as objects in magazines geared towards heterosexual men (such as Esquire and FHM), it seems somehow less harmful than writing articles to women telling them that all they're good for is... their beauty, their youthfulness, and their sexuality. (Did I miss anything?)  I mean, obviously they're not useful for their intellect, because according to Cosmo women spend all of their time thinking about men, sex, fashion, drinking martinis, men, hair, sex, shoes, dresses, men, beauty, sex, and men, and this leaves no time for politics, academics, education, family, work, what really makes a relationship work (hint: not sex... or even beauty), or anything else in life that might matter (like finance).

    There's a theory out there called Sexual Objectification Theory that would explain why some women love Cosmo. It's this theory that, because society treats women as little more than an instrument of sexuality or object to use, women can only begin to evaluate themselves in terms of their beauty and sex appeal, which leads to body shame and insecurity... and eventually mental health risks like depression and eating disorders.  But anyway, because Cosmo plays into women's insecurities about their body that they've internalized because of our sexist culture, women want to read it because they want to find out how to fix the problems they experience because of our sexist culture.  It's an extremely marketable cycle of feeling like shit.  Tons of companies (thousands, millions) capitalize on making women feel unattractive.  Don't you love capitalism?

    To be fair, I study this area more than probably any other area and I could write a million more paragraphs expressing my distaste towards Cosmo and magazines like it.  We live in a society that could position things with a lot more gender sensitivity, with much more gender-sensitive language, and people choose not to for the sake of sales.  Every day, lives are ruined when gender variant people (feminine men, masculine women, transgender and transsexual people) are bullied, harassed, and even killed for their gender expression… and magazines like this not only maintain but promote a culture where that makes sense.  In my world, that’s not okay.

    Feel free to discuss this, challenge this, praise this or whatever you want with me. :)

  • if you don’t turn onto politics, politics will turn on you.


    The sad truth is that one vote doesn't make a difference. In your opinion, what's the best way to make a political difference?

    collective action.

    one vote may not matter but a thousand votes certainly do. that said, voting isn't enough; voting is about the least effective thing you could do if you're looking for political change. you can act personally and (better) collectively political in a number of ways.

    vote with your wallet/ feet.

    probably the most important thing you can do is vote with your wallet and feet (they go hand-in-hand most of the time). only buy the goods and services that you feel promote the social change that you want, and boycott the things you think work against your cause. if a bar you frequent tolerates sexist behavior (most bars?), stop going, get your friends to stop going, talk about it, threaten not to go back until things change and then follow through.  keep in mind, though, that boycotts don't always affect the people you want for them to and you need to think all the details through. i learned during the target boycott that those who would be most affected were the workers (many of whom are gay) and not the uppities who supported the homophobic political figure. (i can't find the article right now so i can't remember names or details, but i do remember exactly why the boycott was a bad idea.) this kind of thinking and acting goes along with most things. if the way we treat our environment concerns you (and it should), do everything in your power to stop doing things that hurt the environment. keep your lights off, unplug the appliances you aren't using, keep your heat reasonably low, use only reusable containers (travel mugs, thermoses, water bottles, microwaveable containers, canvas bags), put old plastic bags to good use (give them to someone that has a dog, use them for your smelly laundry- don't throw them out), boycott places that use styrofoam carelessly (ie. dunkin doughnuts), be mindful of the waste you produce, encourage your friends to be mindful of the waste they produce. raise awareness.

    raise awareness.

    you don't have to protest to make a difference (but you can!); there are a lot of other ways to raise awareness about policies and behaviors you want to see changed.  so do the research, provide information, get creative, and get out. be visible.  we live in a fast-paced world where a million things are expected of every one of us at every given second and we may not be mindful of the fact that the one water bottle a day we snag on our way to the gym adds up to hundreds of water bottles a year, which is a waste of not only plastic but money as well. so make demonstrations. if there's a message you want to get across, say it.  people learn visually.   last week the recycling club lined the campus with old water bottles.  a couple weeks before that the feminist collective put signs about gender, domestic violence, rape, and other feminist issues all across campus. i've seen political writing and statistics in sidewalk chalk across campus.  get organized and then express your mind in a creative, highly visible way.  (just don't hand out tracts. :P )  be prepared to have conversations and defend your beliefs while respecting others' differences.  you might not change their mind about something at that moment but you might plant the seed that grows inside them. :)   if you can't do any of that, use your facebook or twitter to bring awareness to the issues that concern you. put it on the web. get it out there.

    counteract consumerism, corporatism. 

    think local first.  support small businesses and farms that nurture their local community, provide local jobs, keep their carbon footprint low by staying local, work to reduce waste, and value their employees. support positive workplace culture.  cook your own meals and deserts and snacks. (make it from scratch; it tastes better, is better for you, is often cheaper than the shop bought stuff -- and there's no packaging to dispose of; packaging makes up the bulk of the garbage found in most homes... and on the side of the streets.)  bring your own lunch. don't buy junk food. (you support not only unhealthy eating, but the corporations which produce this shit; you also support the excess waste that packaging produces.) don't buy from vending machines. buy less. buy in bulk. recycle clothing (buy/donate). recycle. compost. grow you own vegetables and herbs. exchange services with your friends. barter. carpool. bike. keep your cost of living minimal. live within your means. try to keep your debt low. use cash over credit. use a diva cup instead of tampons or pads. repurpose old furniture. stop using using using buying buying buying.

    demand genuine democracy.

    politicians respond to the pressures put on them. so pressure them. in all the ways listed above, pressure them. and pressure them with your voice. WRITE to your politicians, WRITE to companies whose policies upset you, and get your friends to do it. collective voices talk louder than the wallets of billionaires only when enough people organize. this takes time and energy and organization (like everything else above). this requires donating a few hours of time a week to organizations or campaigns you feel passionate about, and/or leaving time for the letter-writing process. this means taking the time to get educated, the time to make demonstrations, the time to cook your own meals, the time to volunteer. make that time. if there isn't a group for a cause you believe in, make your own, and then draw creative attention to it and get it going. PUSH. fucking pressure the people in power. people in power want to keep that power. we have the power to take it away.

    we are not powerless. we are surrounded by millions of people who share our frustrations and our instinct for justice and rationality. it is your job to connect with each other. only together are we powerful. if we remain alone, we remain hopeless. fucking act out already. if we don’t turn onto politics, politics will turn on us.