August 27, 2010

  • marriage

    this is a response to lorelei's blog asking us what pros and cons to marriage are, in our eyes.

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    Personally, I find that there are very large social “pros” to marriage, but fewer personal ones. Marriage no longer dictates anything else on the timeline of my life, such as when I would move in with a partner, start a sexual relationship, share expenses or medical information, have children, or anything of the sort. I don’t believe that my marrying a partner would change the level of commitment I feel towards that person or the intensity of my love. I do not see (legal) marriage as a sacred or special occasion and, contrarily, believe emotional marriage happens long before the words “I do” and without any regard to written documentation or witnesses.

    “Married” people (people in long-term, committed relationships) live much richer, happier lives, with more stability… so long as the people involved are happy and stable. It has been said to me many times, in various contexts, that people with stable lives are less likely to commit crimes, miss work, or be depressed – and with regard to that, stability is always defined in relation to various commitments: to a partner, to schoolwork, to a job, to a field of research, etc. That being said, an emotional “marriage” between me and another person is something I could see in my future, because I do see it as necessary and beneficial. Though it is not true that all single people are plagued by loneliness and depression, as it is true that many single folks enjoy a vast array of partners or close friendships over the course of their lifetime, the security in knowing you have at least one other person to *always* go back to is comforting, and I can see many reasons for why that directly increases one’s quality of life.

    But I have a lot of problems with legal/social marriage. I have problems with its patriarchal history and the ways in which women have been objectified and expected to be the subordinate of their man. I have problems with the fact that not anyone of any gender pairing can get married. I have problems with the fact that relationships between two unmarried people are deemed “less legitimate” than relationships between married people. I find it problematic that, because marriage establishes a legal kinship between a person and their spouse, the opposite is also true: without marriage, your partner is not recognized as family, and thus does not get the same rights and responsibilities as a member of your family. It is problematic that unmarried people do not have the same options available to them with regard to: property, contracts, tax credits, social security, custody, parental rights, inheritance, obtaining family insurance, making medical decisions, taking sick leave, etc.

    It is infuriating to me that, even now as society is shifting and evolving, the majority of our laws operate under one main assumption: family is comprised of those blood-related to you, and that blood-related family will always act in your best interest, with your health, safety, and happiness in mind. This carries over into marital law, which essentially says, “in signing this contract you are now one family, and you can take on all the rights and responsibilities of a blood relative” – implying, again, that the individual you are entering into this contract with will act in your best interest at all times *just as a blood relative would.* …Our legal system must be completely blind to think we live in such a utopia!

    In closing, I am overwhelmed by the social positives of marriage, and I would be silly to find myself in a situation where I was committed specifically (in a special way) to one person and not marry that person -- because the act of not getting married would keep that person from being recognized as a part of my family. However, silly as it may be, it is against my personal convictions to enter into a contract that is not extended to all individuals of all genders; a contract which has been historically oppressive of women; and a contract that extends rights to certain people but not others. At this time, in the present state of our society, I *wish* I could promise to never marry. But I have to honestly admit that I don't know if I will or not. Because the one person I would want to plan for me in a medical situation, or after my death, or in any tragic or life-threatening situation is my chosen family: my partner.

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