July 9, 2010

• life updizzle, fo shizzle.

  so, first things first, a lot has gone down over this past year, and there is very little of it i am comfortable writing about.  a relationship i was in ended exactly a year ago this month, i moved out of my parents’ house exactly a year ago this month, i have made new friends and lost others, i started dating someone new and wonderful (and we are three months strong at present), i got my associate’s degree, i’ve become well acquainted with our legal system (for reasons that i don’t feel required to disclose to random anonymous passerbys to this website; i hope you can understand), and that’s just the beginning. 

  it’s summer.  i’m between semesters.  hell, i’m between entire schools.  i’m a transfer student, a bachelor’s student, a commuter. i’m also without a car. (the engine died unexpectedly about three weeks ago.)  being carless makes me feel like i am in high school all over again, having to call one of my parents to come pick me up or drop me off somewhere.  lucky for me/them, i don’t go out much.  i’ve become a homebody.  i spend most hours of most days reading, writing, making or watching youtube videos, forming new friendships (mostly online), journaling, thinking, talking with housemates or my girlfriend, cooking, cleaning, organizing, filming, playing guitar, researching, and reading some more.  i feel like i know a lot.  i feel like i know a lot about things i never would have had reason to want to know anything about.  i know good recipes.  i know a lot about the law.  i know a lot about identity formation.  i know a lot about politics.  i know a lot about… a lot.  i feel like a completely different person than who i was this time last year.

  i’ve grown a lot, grown up a lot.  i do not feel that i am naive, innocent, ignorant, blind, or trusting in the way i was this time last year.  but i am still hopeful, still positive, and still committed to living in love.  i am a skeptic, but not a cynic.  i’m pragmatic and practical, logical and level-headed.  but i still have a heart that is on fire for others.  i am still an activist, and still passionate about human rights.  there is a whole bigger picture behind everything that happens to us, both in the context of our own personal, individual life and within the whole of our community, society.  i am put in ridiculously difficult positions every day, and i am–albeit through wavering bitterness–enjoying every second of it.  i am encountering in this life people i would have never encountered, and i am growing to have respect for so many people i never thought i would have respect for.  i wouldn’t trade this past year for anything. 
  
  

  “Life and death, energy and peace. If I stop today it was still worth it. Even the terrible mistakes that I made and would have unmade if I could. The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul, it was worth it, for having been allowed to walk where I’ve walked, which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, in it, and above.” – gia

  i am more than thankful for my life.  all of my life — not just bits and pieces of it.  this past year has opened my eyes to what is really important in life, what is secondary, and what is just downright petty.  i’ve realized that there is more to life than identity, and that we as humans need and depend on each other in more ways than i could begin to describe.  i have studied under great minds, connected with wise members of my immediate and extended families, and been blessed every single day–every day, for an entire year–by hospitality and generosity, in both small and incredibly large and life-changing ways.

  the way i think is different.  the way i process things is different.  my priorities are different.  i am happy 99% of the time, even during this time where i could easily feel like everything is working against me.  there is always something to stay positive about, always something to love, always something to pour my energy into, and always something to be grateful for.  i am more of a lover, and less of a consumer.  i watch sunsets instead of films, i buy used, i rent, i recycle, i reuse, i use canvas bags, i carpool… i frequent thrift stores, garage sales, dorm clean out days, craigslist, ebay… there’s so much wasted.  material waste, wasted potential, just general wastefulness and thoughtlessness and… we have to stop being so short-term minded.  we have to stop seeking instant gratification.  we have to start following things through their natural, logical end.  we have to see the big picture.

  in upcoming weeks i’m starting an exercise routine, gender therapy, [an unspecified program], a video project with my girlfriend, and am going to grow my own vegetables.  i think i’m even getting a car.  after that, i’m going to a new school.  and i plan to transform my life.  again.  in new ways.

  this is my journey.

  and i wouldn’t have it any other way.

  • 1:25 am
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