April 4, 2010

  • ex-christian

    Do you still believe in God? What do you think of Christianity now? And if you don't believe any longer, what do you believe in? What do you identify as?

    i could spend a lifetime answering this set of questions.  (i think part of me already has, and the rest of me plans to.)  to answer the question of identity... i identify as nothing in particular -- just a spirit on a human journey, a philosopher, a wandering soul, a truth-seeker, a part of the divine. some of my beliefs have labels. i could be said to have humanist, agnostic, and pantheistic beliefs. i could also be called a practitioner of generic religion, "post-denominational", and moderately skeptical.  but i think what defines me the most is my identity as an ex-fundamentalist. i am also defined by the fact that i am well read in scripture, have had decent exposure to other religions (and have found truths in all of them), and am now studying philosophy.  i have a very holistic approach to almost every detail of life, religion being no different.  i believe that you cannot know your own beliefs without understanding those that you do not believe; i believe in the reconciliation of science and religion; i believe that there is a major truth that all religions are a part of.  i get upset by what i see as unnecessary division, disconnect, and brokenness. 

    but the word "god" carries a lot of connotations and misconceptions, i think.  while i believe that there is a benevolent force at work in the universe, i don't feel compelled to give it a name.  (the language paradox: you need to give something a name in order to reference it, but naming something almost automatically gives it a definition... one which no one can seem to agree on, when it comes to god.  so i opt out of the naming system, as many great believers before me have.)  i won't go so far as to say that i don't believe in the biblical god, but i will say that i don't believe in the god that most christians interpret the scriptures to speak of.  there is a part of me, when i read kabbalistic literature or "revamped" christian works (like velvet elvis or the transcended christian) where i do have some faith in god ("their" god).  i do not consider myself a "believer", nor do i consider myself any sort of christian (i don't see christ the way most christians do), but a great deal of my beliefs have been formed through christian tradition and christian language.  i'm finally okay with that.  (i'm going to assume that you're asking me what i think of christianity now that i no longer go to church or identify with christianity, and not what i think of what christianity has become.)

    i think religion is great for those whose quality of life it directly improves, and those who can see it through a child's eyes as this wonderful magical thing and not law and dogma. but i think that it can really hurt a great deal of people, souls, and relationships.  which brings me to perhaps the most paramount of all my beliefs:  i believe that our relationships (especially those with the people to whom we are closest) are the real opportunities we are given to emulate the tolerance, sharing, and love that are said to be the creator’s essence; that these are the qualities that our relationships can teach us and the qualities we most need to learn if we are to fulfill the true purpose of our lives.  i firmly believe there is a reason that all research points to us being social creatures and why all our thoughts revolve around our relationships, identities, conversations, and all things interpersonal.  and i think that when religion starts to get in the way of relationships--when religious belief is what leads to pain, destruction, heartache, family problems, etc--then that's really hell.  the wages of sin is death, not eternal torment. and until someone defines death for me and can prove to me that the bible is also speaking in accordance with their definition, i will  forever and always consider loveless situations hell and the killing of a soul (however metaphorical or metaphysical) as death.