The truth? I’m afraid of what my body would look like post-transition. I’m afraid what my voice would sound like. I’m afraid I would regret it if I didn’t get the changes I want. I don’t even know what changes I want. I just know I don’t want to look like my father. Which would probably happen. But seriously. I don’t know if I want to live my life as male. As a man. I’m afraid to age as a trans guy. I’m afraid my dysphoria over my lower half will only grow. I’m afraid it will consume me. I’m afraid I will want surgery. Why can’t I just be a lesbian? Wouldn’t that be easier in the long run? It’s just, I’m really feminine… and I don’t know how to be a feminine dyke because… I don’t want to be a girl. I don’t, at all. I’m not a girl. But I don’t know if I want to be a man. I’m a boy, and a woman. Neither, and both. Where is the line in this binary society, and how can I walk it? What kind of feminine do I want to be? Do I want to be a small, short, feminine mannish person; or an “average” feminine womanish person? I am even still considering the possibility of being female. I just don’t want to continue THIS way anymore, hyper-masculinizing myself, my appearance, in order to “pass”, in order to be received as male. But I still feel perceived wrong most of the time. I feel perceived wrong no matter how I’m being perceived! It only feels “right” when people know I’m trans. When people understand the extent of my female socialization and the degree to which I identify with women. So why transition then? If I identify with women and feel uncomfortable in male-dominated spaces, why become one? Why not remain female? I don’t know. Honestly. All I know is that I can’t stay this way. Something has to change. I don’t feel that my current way of presentation is true to me. It’s too masculine. It’s too… young boy. I don’t like being fifteen. I’m almost 21, but I don’t see it. I don’t see it at all. Sometimes I feel it, like when I’m interacting with professors or grocery shopping or paying bills or cooking dinner… but I don’t see it in my relationships, I don’t see it in many of my actions, and I certainly don’t see it in the mirror. Julz raised a good point in her video where she renounced her identity as a transmale and voiced her desire to be recognized as a butch lesbian; she said, “I think it was so appealing to me to be received as male because then I am received as a good boy, a gentleman, normal, upstanding. As a butch lesbian, I am received as a deviant, a freak, visibly living a life contrary to the traditional way of doing things.” I can’t break free from this feeling that those are the reasons I am “doing this” (perhaps more accurately, feeling this). I’ve internalized all of society’s homophobic messages. They’re all I know. I’ve given my soul over to the binary. Actually, that is a lie. My soul has no gender, it sees no binary. Should I take a gender identity in this life it would be… this. Transgender. Beyond gender. Bi-gender. Gender-free. I guess that’s not really “taking a gender” then, is it. Well, I can’t. but I guess it’s necessary I choose a sex. That’s so difficult though. Oh, my body. It limits me. It confines me. It’s so praised, the body, so valued. So much importance is placed on it, on attractiveness, on gender, on age, on height, on size, on ability. I am not disabled. I am able and I am capable and I am intelligent. But my body. The body controls so much of our life experience. I just, I don’t know. What kind of life experiences do I want to have? What community to I want to be a part of? Will it destroy me to lose the lesbian community? I don’t like to think about it. I don’t like to think about things changing. Because I’m so blessed. I have so much going for me. But this… this is always there. Every time I use the bathroom. Every time I shower. Every time I have sex, or navigate the dating pool, or breathe really. Thank you sir. Thank you ma’am. Inconsistent. Even within the same conversation. “Oh, I love Eli. He’s such a great writer.” “Yeah, she’s really talented.” What? I’m tired of this. I’m tired. I’m tired of being judged and I’m tired of judging myself and I’m ready to move forward in some way. I just want to move forward. I want to hold hands and be united with others and talk and converse and cuddle and make love and share. I want community. Let’s move forward.