Hi Eli,

I wanted to try and alay your fears and assure you that you will find
the answers to your questions just as I did.
It's a bit lengthy because I started typing and as I was addressing one thing I thought of another (as you do) so it doesn't really flow either.

First of all let me say that I am really jealous of your young looks Secondly, if you do decide to start on testosterone that will change.Once you start pumping that stuff into your body and your hormone balance changes and your hair starts to grow you, will be striking matches on your face in no time at all.

The experts say that male or female recognition is done on a subliminal level by looking at the top third of the face. If that is the case then going by your avatar, you look male. When you look at your photo that you posted on your intro, you look both male and female. But it is not just about looks.

The subconscious picks up on everything that defines a man or a woman and comes up with a conclusion based on all the facts.Let me try and explain it from my initial perception of you when I discovered your blog. My eyes saw a guys avatar and transmitted that to the brain. Then it picked up on the Xanga group that I found you in. A Gay group I believe. So there's more evidence of Eli being a man. I saw you as a man and that was that.

It wasn't until I really read through your blog that I got to know you. By the time that had happened Eli was a man and that's all I needed to know. Doesn't make a blind bit of difference to me what you are. Unless you tell me otherwise you will always be a man because that's what I initially picked up on and that's how you portray yourself.

There are no definitive answers to any of your questions. There is only YOUR answer and your answer is gospel. Because there are no definitive answers I think the best way to answer your post is by telling you a story and hope that you can pick out bits and pieces that make sense to you.

So here we go. You may not want to acknowledge this at the moment but the answer will not come from weeks of thought process.. The answer lies within society. Love it or hate it society rules our life and until we learn to embrace it we are basically screwed. You see, our thought process is complicated by other peoples views.

More than likely you have asked yourself these questions a thousand times before and now Pandora's box has opened again. In trying to discover what it feels like to be male or female we discover that we don't actually know.Male and female are defined by our role in society as well as our physical birth sex but what it actually feels like, no one knows. I could define what it feels like to be a man from my own point of view but it wouldn't be an accurate portrayal. Ask a guy in the street to define the same question and I suspect that you wouldn't get the answer that you were looking for either.You could describe what it's like being a woman but the definition would more than likely also be skewed.

When I came out to family my Sister in Law said “Well done you will love it. It's fantastic being a woman.” To which I thought great, maybe She is finally going to answer the question what does it feel like to be a woman. But the answer I sought, never materialized. It was more a generalisation of her life and I suspect the same as many other women on the planet.The reasons varied. Being a woman was about choice of clothes and shopping, chatting with the girls, looking good and attracting attention because it made her feel good, or the one that didn't quite make any sense...”It's loads better than being a guy” Well how would she know that?

I think that when we are asked to define what is a man or woman we fall back on social stereotyping for the answer and the answer is always in opposition to the question. We ask “What does it feel like to be a man or woman” but the answer we get is not about what it feels like. The answer is always what it “means” to be a man or woman.So the “feeling” part of the question is a very individual thing.For me, what it feels like to be a woman is contentment. That's it. There is no deeper philosophical meaning I'm afraid. When I lived as a guy I went to work, I watched TV, I did my leisure activities, I walked the dogs, cooked meals, did the laundry and I still do those things.Nowadays I have door's opened for me, people give up their seats, I am allowed to go first, I am called “Love” rather than “Pal”. All of those things have nothing to do with “feeling”. I am simply being afforded socially constructed behaviour because I am a Woman.Maybe that's where the feeling comes into it. It is nice to be afforded those courtesies and makes me feel happy. I am happy that I can go about my business and be treated with respect. I am happy that I am living as my true self, but I wouldn't say that they are necessarily female feelings. The unexpected tear in the eye when I see something sad or emotional taking place could be described as a feminine trait and possibly.....feeling. The ability to express my emotions freely is a nice feeling. Maybe things like that are What it feels like to be a woman.

Going quickly back to the “socially constructed” theory. We are all guilty of this and we can't help it. When I decided that I was going to live the rest of my life as myself instead of living a lie I realised that my idea of what constituted a woman was in conflict to what other people thought.I had an idea of how a woman should behave, how she should present herself in different situations, how she should react to different situation etc etc. I am aware that there is an overlap between male and female behaviour and that no one fits the mould each time or all of the time.

But when I was trying to figure out who I am as a woman and what do I do for a living and what do I like socially, I realised that I was trying to build my life and define myself based on socially constructed ideas rather than just allowing myself to develop. Transition is like going through puberty all over again. I make mistakes I have successes. That's life and it is actually a pleasant journey this time around. When we are young we become terribly embarrassed by our mistakes. As we grow older we just laugh along with everyone else who is laughing at us. If I was still obsessed by being seen as an abomination, I would not have the freedom to enjoy my new puberty nor would I have the freedom to express myself and learn what is embarrassing and what is cool. I have made some serious faux pas when clothes shopping. But I had great fun doing it and I learned what does and doesn't suit me and what I can and can't get away with. The more you relax, the more your gestures, mannerisms, speech pattern, interaction, your whole being, alters and becomes natural to who you are. When you present in an androgynous state, your mind is also in an androgynous state and so is every thing else about you. Consequently, that is the way that other people see you.

For a long while my goal was stealth. Transition physically and then enter society anew.But with stealth comes many problems. Firstly we think that we have lost all the inappropriate or uncared for tags that are generally applied. However, if we have transitioned physically but not socially it's real easy to spot us in a crowd, so the tags are reapplied. Along with stealth comes what to tell to who and when, denying your past to everyone, no photos, no memories shared during conversation unless they are fabricated, if you have children you have the problem of explaining to people why your siblings refer to you as Mum or Dad when you look like completely the opposite parent. Consider a time when you are forming a relationship with someone. At what point do you tell them that you are not entirely what you appear. Do you tell them at all. Is it right or wrong not to tell. I will leave you to consider the multitude of problems with stealth.

Stealth can work though and has done for many transitioners in years gone by. Some of them are still so deep in stealth that they are off the radar. Others, after years of the pressure associated with living in stealth have come out, written autobiographies and are a valuable asset to someone just starting on the road to transition. Without doubt, the younger you are, the more viable stealth would seem. But it's not for everyone.

We currently have Audrey publishing her biography, we have Queerish riding high on the waves. There are folks from all over the place leaving positive comments on our introductions and other Queerish posts and not all of these people are from within our community. In a way, people are coming out themselves and identifying with one another. Which is fantastic because queerish is serving it's purpose.In an attempt to find material for the site you are probably trawling blogs looking for relevant material. By doing so you are raising those age old questions and confusing yourself in the process.When we mix with a group of people with whom we identify, it is natural to stay within the confines of that group because we know that we will be treated with respect and can communicate and interact on the same level, without fear of physical or verbal assault.It is also easy to get carried away on the wave of euphoria that is validation from others as we try to sort out our life.

We look to our friends and peers within the group for answers to our questions but we don't find them. We think we have found them. But we haven't.We begin to look at others within the group, or those that we know in real life who are going through the same problems as we are. We compare ourselves to them, set benchmarks and become depressed when we don't achieve the same standards.If you are a guy and want a benchmark then look at biological guys. Don't compare yourself to other trans guys because it will tell you nothing.People are at different stages of transition and what worked for one won't necessarily work for another. I don't want to devalue transition but speaking factually a benchmark is a completed product. A transsexual person who is still transitioning is not. Therefore you cannot make a comparison. Look to the completed product and base your concept of who you want to be around that. There is no such thing as not trans enough or too trans, there is only Eli.

Although the internet contains real people living real life, it is not the real world. We don't need acceptance from our peers we need acceptance from society at large. I feared society because I thought they would hate me, see me as an abomination, beat me to death, so on and so forth. Over time I realised that the majority of the questions that I asked were directly related to how I felt that society would perceive me and that the solution lay in facing society to find out what was and wasn't true. It took me years and years to reconcile the fact that I am who I am. It took me years of hiding behind activist label because it was a safe place to be. It took me years to realise that I am not Trans, I am Christine.

It's not about how you look or what you are. It's about who you are and how you interact with family and friends as well as society as a whole.Once people know who you are, they couldn't care less what you are. Gender and sexuality never comes into the equation. But in order for people to know who we are, we first have to work it out ourselves

Years ago when I started this journey I presented fairly androgenously. I thought that would be for the best, especially for my family because they would be able to get used to the change gradually. It didn't work. I went from being someone who they knew to someone that they needed to get to know and I was confusing the matter by presenting as something that they couldn't figure out. No one knew what I was let alone who I was. On top of all their confusion lay my own fears. When I presented totally female, I tended to over compensate and presented completely inappropriately for my age. I had lost years by dithering and harboring a fear of other peoples reaction and not wanting to hurt the ones I loved and now I was trying to make up for lost time. I was 43 years old for Gods sake not 24. I learned that lesson quickly I didn't fit in. I was an oddity, I drew attention in my attempts to capture lost years. I had no chance of integrating whilst I was in this confused state. So I stepped away. I changed my wardrobe and my attitude and just over a year ago, completely sure of who I was, what I wanted and how I fitted in, I stepped out into the big wide world.I had gone through a legal name change and informed everyone, official and social that I had changed my name and legal status. I left one life behind completely and started a new one. It was anything but easy and I made mistakes. Mainly the mistakes came from social interaction. But I was gradually accepted and I did fit in. Everything began to take it's natural course. No one bothered me,everyone was just as polite, respectful and friendly, or just as down right rude and offensive as they were to any other person in the street.

It is not about what you are. It's about who you are.

I walk down the street with my head held high and proud of who I am. Please don't make the mistake of thinking I walk down the street with my head held high arms out to side saying here I am, come on, I'll take you all on. It's not kind of attitude. It's an attitude that says, “I'm Christine, I'm not ashamed, pleased to meet you. Fancy a coffee?”

Once you come to terms with the fact that occasionally, you will receive the sideways glance or people talking behind your back, life just becomes normal. It doesn't matter if you are a beauty queen, a rock star, movie star, colleague at work, someone who has fallen over in the street or whatever else. People will always talk behind your back and people will always laugh at you. It's part of human nature. How many times have you heard comments like this. “Oh She's great.Salt of the earth, do anything for anyone she will, really nice lass. But by god she needs to do something about that hair“ It happens all the time, so why do we expect that it's not going to happen to us. It will happen. Not because we are trans or gay or bi or pan whatsit called. It happens because we are human.

For years I thought I was trying to run away from my past. In reality I was running around in circles because I was afraid of my future. Our questions and fears alter constantly. We are in a perpetual state of change and we have to deal with those changes in the best way that we can.

My concern at the moment is that I am at that stage where one boob is slightly bigger than the other and hitching up my top to readjust my bra has become a morning ritual. Hey ho

If we try to force ourself into any part of our society it will rebuke us. Go about our life and be who we are and it will eventually invite us in.

Don't try to disguise yourself, it only confuses people.

Be proud, be yourself and let everyone see WHO you are.

Oh yeah. P.S. The Toilet Debate.

This one will rage on forever trust me. But I can't see why you personally would have any problem nipping to the gents loo. If you are dressed as a guy you will breeze it. Don't worry about the voice kid. You won't need it in there. Unless they are drunk as skunks and leaning on the wall for support, just prior to sliding down the wall and cracking their jaw on the urinal,guys don't talk when they are stood relieving themselves. At best the conversation revolves very quickly around the current weather condition outside and is carried out in monosyllable format. It's not like going to the ladies and joining in the chit chat whilst you fix your hair. Being in a cubicle is even easier. You don't have to say a word either. All you have to do is let rip with some disgusting noise and you will be an instant hero.

Well that's it.I hope this lot makes sense to someone