March 28, 2009

  • Chbosky's Charlie, Jack's lack of surprise

    I wrote this on that "What's Your Story?" post I recommended a couple of days ago: (This version is mildly edited.  Like the number reflects how many days old I am today, and I added a sentence and took out a couple others.) 

    "My name is Eli. I'm twenty (and have lived exactly 7416 days, not counting today). I believe that life needs to be cherished, and that every day we find ourselves in a sea of unrealized miracles as each moment is BURSTING with the gift of life.  I love loving, and giving.  I have philosophies about anything and everything; I am very metacognitive (I think, and then I think about thinking).  If there was a cure for homosexuality or transsexuality or any other queer "condition", I would cry; if someone told me they could make me heterosexual I would tell them they were crazy for thinking I would want it.  The world needs the queers.  I am a happy tranny lost boy feminist hip hoppy rap poet with a classical-traditional side.  I'm a chameleon, a rainbow, a prism, a tapestry, an unwritten book, a spirit, a soul, a smile, a tree, a lover, a fighter, a giver, a seed, a thinker, a human, and honest to a fault.  I am Chbosky's Charlie.  I am Jack's complete lack of surprise.  I am me and nothing more.  I think the only thing worse than mean people is ignorance.  I don't keep secrets.  I lend out my books to near strangers and hardly ever get them back.  I spend something like five hours a day on the computer, but don't think it a waste of time.  I have a love for language, and languages.  I have no problem talking to strangers.  Conversation is important to me and the way I live life -- especially conversing with strangers.  I like to learn from others.  I like to learn."

    I'm reading Perks again, for a fifth time... I uncover a new layer of myself every time I read it, and a new depth to the novel too.  Maybe it's because I've taken five psychology classes since the first time I read it (technically three psych classes, since the two I'm in now aren't over yet), I don't know, but there are so many more things that jump out at me as important to remember and reflect on now.  It's almost overwhelming.

    I can't stop identifying with Charlie.  And I can't figure out how I feel about this.  I mean, he's a freshman in high school, so... fourteen?  I'm twenty.  Is that healthy?  Is that safe?  Should I really be comparing myself to him, identifying with him?  But I am him, we share a soul.  He questions and observes, and his reflections come from a pure, honest place inside him.  I am that boy.  I am that simple.  I am that complex.  I am that observant, and that analytical. 

    Lately I have been into observing the couples around me.  Probably because I am lonely.  And maybe a bit jealous.  I have found some girls worth swooning over, and I'm pretty sure they're taken, or at least straight, or at least don't see me as a potential dating candidate because I look twelve.  It's cool.  Anyway, it goes beyond that.  I look at them and I wonder if they're happy in their relationships.  Those of them that are happy I would never dream of pursuing.  Those of them that aren't happy I would never dream of pursuing.  But I want them to be happy, and I do hope they're happy.

    I've also spent far too much time trying to figure out why people stay in their relationships when they are neither happy with their partner nor fulfilled by the relationship.  Or worse, remain in something when it is damaging to their self-esteem, their physical body, or their well-being in general.  I imagine there was a time when it was good.  And I wonder what happened.  Generally, someone takes their partner for granted, doesn't realize that they are a person with feelings, or doesn't put their partner's needs and wants before their own.  Silly people.  Life is about your relationships.  Put more effort into them.  More care.

    Who in their right mind hits their partner?  Who in their right mind even belittles their partner?  I sit and wonder what childhoods and adolescences my classmates have gone through, if they were bullied, what their parents are like, what behavior they have seen modeled.  I just want people around me to be happy.  And more, I want them to fully appreciate this life and feel loved by it in return.  But it seems people's pasts are full of too much hurt to learn to love, and to learn to let love in.

    I am in this fragile lonely state that has me sympathizing with people who stay with partners that aren't the best for them.  Sometimes it feels like being with someone that doesn't fully appreciate you (read: treats you like crap) is better than having no one at all.  I am tired of sleeping alone, tired of being alone, tired of living a life that is seemingly antisocial.  I am tired of seven hours a day of computer time and my coworkers being my only friends and not being close to anyone at my college.  All my friends live in the computer.  I need people.  I need someone to save me.  I need to be drawn out.

Comments (11)

  • "Who in their right mind hits their partner?  Who in their right mind even belittles their partner?"

    Sweetie, when you figure that out, let me know.  I can't make sense out of it, and I see it all too often.  Aside from that, I see so many people in neglecting relationships.  Together, but alone.  And to me, that's worse than being single.  So close, and yet so far--like putting salt in a fresh wound.

    But, you're right--sometimes, we all just get tired of being alone.  We get tired of wanting more, and not having it.  That's human.  A good friend told me, recently, that we're not always as alone as we think.  And I think that Xanga's a good example of that.

    Keep writing, my dear.  I'm always here to read, even if I don't get a chance to comment.

  • I can't stop identifying with
    Charlie.  And I can't figure out how I feel about this.  I mean, he's a
    freshman in high school, so... fourteen?  I'm twenty.  Is that
    healthy?  Is that safe?  Should I really be comparing myself to him, identifying with him?
    The author has done his job well. He got you to Identify with Charlie.
    Even if that child was stood right in front of you, there shouldn't be anything wrong in identifying with him. Considering the level on which you are connecting with Charlie I actually find it quite sad that we have to even think in terms of it being healthy or safe. But that's the world today I guess.

  • You just yanked on every Mom, Savior, and empathetic fibroid in my pitiful body. Damn you. And... I love you, Eli. I love that you're so completely human and complex and beautiful. I'm sorry that you're lonely and sincerely wish I could do something about it.

    Also, I love when you post like this. ;)

  • I really do love that book.

    And that last paragraph is pretty much me in a nutshell. Except take the seven hours and make it sixteen.

  • Relationships occupy my thoughts a great deal of the time. I think about the same things you do, but there are somethings I haven't come to concrete conclusions about. Definately abuse is wrong and should not be tolerated.

  • you are wonderful

  • @gum4uk - So are you, love.  I was reading some back posts and I almost forgot how supportive you have always been, and how much you have inspired me, and encouraged me, etc.  I love you, AZ. :)

  • Beautifully honest.
    I should read Perks.
    Women love to much.Ever notive how God did not tell women to "love" their hushands(partners),he didn't have to.
    They love,they hold on without hope because they love. It can be very sad.

  • Aww, now I could relate. The first time I read the book (Perks ...), I easily identified myself with Charlie ... someone so simple, and yet so complex.

    Hang on there bud. Just try ... and try. Companionship just comes along when you least expect it, and you don't just say your friends aren't real. I mean, having friends over the net is one thing to be happy about.

    You have someone to talk to, share conversations with, et cetera ... virtually.

    Anyway, I love how you perceive things. I'd love to add along with your friends. :)

  • Charlie is so easy to relate to, whenever I read that book I always feel so much like charlie.

    Perks is one of the best books i've ever read.

  • @seedsower - I don't know what this has to do with women, but I agree with you.  For the most part. :)   Perks is a wonderful book; I think everyone should read it.

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