March 24, 2009

  • Being a Man

    So a little while ago now (maybe a month or two at this point) the MighTMenFTM YouTube channel chose "Manhood: What does it mean to be a man?" as their topic.  I've been wanting to either VLog or blog about it since then, but I haven't quite been sure of what to say, and I've also kind of been lacking motivation.  Well, recently a weblog was featured about not wanting to be the "bigger man".  And now I'm motivated. 

    Note 1:  I have nothing against the blog owner or his post or his position.  It is simply what motivated me to finally write about manhood.

    Note 2:  This is not about the difference between men and women, but between boys and men. 

    So, I've thought about this long and hard (harder than anyone ever should, having not been born into this role but choosing to have this role as part of my life) about what some requirements for "manhood" are.  I don't agree that all twenty-five year old guys (as an age example) are men.  I firmly believe that some of them are still boys.  Society may not recognize them as boys because of their physical presence, but if they don't match the following criteria, I personally don't consider them men. 

    (In my opinion,) A man exemplifies the following:

    • Identification as a man
    • Financial responsibility
    • Personal responsibility
    • Some sort of career or job (even if it's being a parent)
    • Emotional maturity
    • Control of his aggressiveness
    • Self-control in general
    • Worthwhile/meaningful/positive goals
    • Listening instead of waiting for his turn to talk
    • Servant leadership ("leading by serving others, while staying focused on achieving results in line with one's values and integrity")

    Being a man is not about:

    • Being in control of those around him
    • Being in control of the women in his life
    • His penis size/length/girth
    • Physical strength
    • Achieving more than a woman
    • The number of women he's slept with (or could get)

    Being a man is about being the "bigger man" every time.  In every instance a "man" is acting as the "smaller man", he is simply being a boy or adolescent and loses his title as a "man."  Being a "smaller" man suggests immaturity, irresponsibility, poor control of one's emotions, and a lack of direction.  Being a "smaller" man is what society seems to be all about: taking no responsibility for your actions, behaving with a short fuse and playing a short game, and then blaming everything that happens on that damn Y chromosome.

    I'm not saying you need to have your shit entirely together (does anyone?), I'm saying you need to be working o improving yourself constantly.  I'm saying you need to be working towards positivity.  I'm saying that it's unacceptable to hit someone and write it off as the effect of testosterone or "male aggressiveness".  That is total bullshit, for one.  You hit whoever you hit because you can't control your emotions and/or don't value that other person as much as you should.  But you can't write it off as the effect of testosterone.  While testosterone does cause slightly heightened aggression, it's not substantial enough for you to blame your outburst on.  I've studied both gender studies and biology; if it seems I'm making claims that are outrageous, know I'm making educated outrageous claims here.  Male aggression is not a biological condition; boys are taught that masculinity equals violence.  Every time we turn on a TV, pop in a CD, turn on the radio, open a magazine, or watch a news clip that features storylines about male dominance it's right there.  Pop culture relentlessly tells boys they'll become "real men" by using/abusing power and control.

    Being told that "real men" behave violently (and can get away with violence because they're "men" and have testosterone) brings us to the following sad reality: 

    • More than 90% of serious domestic violence is perpetrated by men
    • Men are involved in more than 95% of all instances of road rage
    • One in nine black men are incarcerated
    • School violence like the killings at Columbine and Virginia Tech have come at the hands of males 

    Yet gender and masculinity is often ignored by the media, school administrators, psychologists, and other experts tasked with responding to these problems.  The message society sends out is that being a male in our society means being tough and invulnerable, over and over again, even in the face of statistics like these.  And for men who behave differently, they hardly have a road map for direction.  There are plenty of guys (like myself) who are trying to pave out lives of meaning and integrity.  But the "real world" is constantly throwing curveballs and contradictions.  It's hard not to give in and just, hit a bitch.  Actually, I'd never hit a bitch; I just like that expression.

    It's interesting, with the amount of trans men I have seen transition, to see just how much aggression really is culturally learned.  Men who were socialized as female who now have the exact same hormones running through their body as as any of you biological men (and in some cases higher levels of these hormones) don't behave half as poorly.  Likewise, biological men who were raised by parents who devalue aggression don't generally behave aggressively.  I'll never be okay with a man writing off his verbal/emotional/physical/sexual outburst as something that resulted from his "being a man."

    Real men put responsibility before reaction, friendship before fists, and patience before their phallus.  I could keep going with this alliteration, but you get my point.  Being a man is, essentially, the exact opposite of what society would like to have you believe it is.

    I am sick and tired of everyone blaming our problems on the feminist movement.  The feminist movement cares just as much about men as it does about women. 

    Data for this post provided by Bitch magazine.

    Feel free to agree or disagree with me.

Comments (6)

  • I agree with your criteria. My boyfriend is 22 and I definitely don't consider him a man, and I don't think I will for a long time. That being said, I'm 19, and I don't consider myself a woman, and I don't think I will for a long time, either. Once you hit a certain age it doesn't automatically mean you're an adult.

  • I agree with your criteria. The sad truth is that "men" take for granted the fact that they were born that way when there are plenty of people born and grow up hating who they are and it is like spitting in the faces of those people when they make such a degrading title for it. (If that makes any sense at all...)

  • "The feminist movement cares just as much about men as it does about women."

    THANK YOU. No one seems to understand that statement.

    Also, sometimes I wonder if statistics show that men abuse women more than women abuse men because of the gender stereotypes men face. I mean, if you report that your girlfriend/wife is beating you up, suddenly you're less of a man. It seems that men would be less likely to report domestic violence out of fear that they would be castrated in a sense.

    Just a thought, though.

    Excellent post.

  • It's an interesting question.
    Especially as I never quite understood the concept at the best of times.

    Both your post on the subject and the replies so far are interesting for the following reason. They fit exactly, the criteria laid down by society and also the criteria that society would like to change to. Your opinion of what exemplifies a Man, could equally be applied to Women in today's society. Back when I was attending counselling for GID, my counsellor, right out of the blue, asked me a simple question “What is a Woman” I couldn't answer.

    It seemed such a simple question with an obvious answer but I couldn't answer it. It took me quite a while to analyse it probably due to the fact that at the time I was personally questioning who I was as a woman, what was my role in life, what kind of woman was I, what kind did I see myself as etc. etc. and forgive me if I am way off the mark here because there is no offence intended, but reading your post I wonder if there is a little bit of that same questioning going on here.

    When I finally had the answer, I realised that the only definition of Man, Woman, Child, or anything else for that matter, lies firmly in societal expectations and an individuals perception of those expectations, formed through upbringing and peer pressure. If I may use your lists as an example, I completely agree with them both. But I agree with them from a female perspective. A guy would see your negatives list as being somewhat desirable qualities. Unless of course he was a “Real Man” by yours and my standards.

    It's also interesting that you note that male aggression is culturally learned, which agrees with my societal theory. You as a trans man and myself as a trans woman have a far deeper understanding of male and female roles. For a part of our lives we have outwardly fulfilled the expectations of our physical status whilst inwardly maintaining our mental status. The onset of hormone replacement did not change our mental status as far as aggression is concerned. So I agree. It is culturally learned. Otherwise we would both resort to physical violence whenever our gender is challenged by some wally in the street who is trying to live up to his own expectations.

    Your concluding statement “Being a man is, essentially, the exact opposite of what society would like to have you believe it is.” is true, but also false. As I commented earlier, society brings us up to be Men or Women and to fulfil those roles. It's only when we actually comply with our upbringing that society then wants us to alter that behaviour. Quite a double standard isn't it? Sadly, your statement will only ever be true from the point of view of people like ourselves. However, in getting to this point in OUR beliefs, we had to go through the undesirable stages. So how will it ever change. Men will be Men and Women will be Women. A real Man ? Well he will already have come to these conclusions. Won't he? You certainly have and so have millions of other men.

    That's the difference I suppose between being a Boy and being a Man. The ones who hang onto the aggression and other traits that you list as being negatives, are not yet at peace with themselves. They still fear themselves and their peers. Once they reach the point of inner strength and self belief, that, I believe is what makes a Man tick all the boxes that you list. But if a Man was totally void of some of the things that you list as negatives, I personally wouldn't be interested in him. Certainly I want a guy with the inner strength, maturity and self belief. But I am also drawn to the fact that he has faults and hasn't lost all of the immaturity. Knowing when to fire up the various forms of aggression and other so called negative qualities and knowing when to let them lie, I think is a desirable quality and part of what it is to be a Man.

    When we seek to set out what standards and qualities a Man or Woman should possess, I'm sure we do it from our own desires, rather than allowing a person to be who they are. Certainly we shouldn't accept Neanderthal behaviour from any member of society but I think we have to be careful not to try and change too much about a person.

    Some Women are drawn to the negative qualities you mention and some are drawn to the positive. Personally I'm drawn to allowing him to be a man and bending his ear severely for days on end when he goes too far. Because that's what it is to be a woman

    Good post by the way.

  • @Malpa - Your comment was a treasure to read, I hope you know that.  I wish I had more to say, but I agree with you on every last point made.  I really like your closing line (the one before "good post").

    Maybe I will, in fact, say more, when I'm less sick and my brain is functioning at its usual rapid rate.  I imagine I have a lot to say about even the points of yours I agree with. :)

  • I completely agree with everything you have stated except: "The feminist movement cares just as much about men as it does about women."  While it's highly likely that the silent majority of the followers of the feminist movement do care just as much about men as they do about women, the vocal portion don't.  Not that that bothers me- I think women are totally entitled to have vested interest in themselves.  That statement just seems imprecise to me.

    But yea.  I liked your first qualifier.  You didn't really do more than list it, but I think that it is a big one.  There's a lot of guys out there who will tell you, 'O, yea, I'm a man.'  But honestly, they don't really identify as a Man yet.  They still feel like a kid.  They like running around doing Boy things and treating people in Boyish manners and relishing the lack of responsibility that being a Boy entails.  While I've never claimed to be a Man, I'm definitely one of those people who enjoys being a Boy still, more because I don't have to be responsible for taking care of my physical person than anything else.  I'd never dream of causing harm to anyone besides myself.  I got off track...  Right.  My point was, a person has to really come to understand what a Man is before they become one.  And once they understand what being a Man is all about, I think they would most likely want to identify with that.  I don't think I have the self-control yet, personally, because self-work is hard work.  But I'm working on it, because being a Man is definitely something I aspire to.Anyway.  Brilliant post.

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