March 19, 2009

• Ethical Non-Monogamy

  Woohoo!  Finally something that is not about homosexuality or being a tranny or my religious beliefs!  I mean, I’m sure those things are good, but I do have more to me, I promise.  So let’s talk about polyamory: What it is and what it isn’t and why I practice it. 

  What is Polyamory?

  Polyamory very literally means “many loves” as poly = many and amore = love.  It is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved.  It can reference to the status of a relationship (“I am in an open, polyamorous relationship”) or be used as a description of a lifestyle or philosophy (“I practice polyamory”; “I have a reasoned argument behind why I can’t or don’t want to practice monogamy”).  Polyamory is also sometimes described as “consensual, ethical, or responsible non-monogamy.”  I call it any or all of this, depending on my mood.  Or sometimes just “poly” (cuz it’s easy).  Poly relationship, poly person, poly philosophy, etc.

  Because people can’t agree on what “intimate relationship” means, the term can be used in terribly broad ways by some people (like me), referring to just about any sexual or romantic relationships that are not exclusive.  It’s an umbrella term, basically; it gives you a vague idea about how a person approaches relationships, but since it covers many modes and models of relationships, more explanation is needed.  And this is why I like it.  I like it because there is fluidity in its definition: many colors, many layers, many shades.  I can’t throw the word out and not use details to describe the way I practice it; it’s something that demands honesty and communication.  It is a philosophy, and the relationships that form out of this philosophy are just as varied as the word itself.  There are a lot of poly people, but not all poly people share the same reasoning for why they’re poly.  It makes for interesting, fun, new and exciting relationships.

  Common Misconceptions

  Poly people are polygamists (or polygamists are poly people).  False.  Polyamory differs from polygamy in major ways.  Polygamy generally refers to specific structures of relationships and generally doesn’t have the “free will” air that polyamory does.  Polyamory is a personal outlook grounded in such concepts as choice, trust, reciprocated freedom and compersion (taking pleasure that one’s partner is experiencing pleasure, even if the source of their pleasure is not you).  This outlook varies greatly from the religious and cultural traditions of polygamy, which are generally very… patriarchal.

  Poly people are just really horny and want a lot of sex.  False.  Not all poly people define their relationships by whether or not people are sleeping together.  A polyamorous relationship isn’t about sex; it’s about building intimate (generally romantic) relationships with more than one person at a time.  Some people involve sex in their relationships and others don’t.  With polyamory, we’re talking about more than one romantic relationship, not just more than one sex partner. The social dynamic can be very complex, and goes way beyond who’s having sex with whom.

  Poly people just can’t commit or are commitment-phobic.  That doesn’t even make sense.  You’re telling me someone who can’t commit to one person will be able to make a lasting commitment to two?  That sounds a little backwards; correct me if I’m wrong.  Poly people are poly because they think it’s a little unrealistic to have one person who meets all their needs.  But that doesn’t mean that some of them don’t want to be primarily with one person, that they don’t want to work hard in that relationship, or that they’re all just “free floaters.”  Many poly people have high standards, and many poly relationships have strictly defined “rules.”  An example of a “rule” is that Person A permits Person B to have outside lovers under the condition that the outside lover is approved of beforehand and that both Person A and the outside lover understand the nature of the relationships between everyone involved.  I’ll be honest, that example sounds more complicated than it really is.  But yeah, regardless, that seems like commitment to me.
  

  If you love someone, you shouldn’t want anyone else.  This is nice, in theory, but it doesn’t always play out that way.  I’d venture to say most if not all of you reading this have loved more than one person in your life, or are understanding that there is more than one person out there you could potentially spend the rest of your life with; most of you just have a “who gets there first, wins” mentality.  Because the majority of people operate on the assumption that they have to give their “whole heart” to a person (and in having more than one lover, you can’t do this) they also assume that if you love multiple people your love is divided between the people and you don’t love anyone “fully”.  This is based on the “starvation model” of love — that is, the idea that you have a finite amount of love and if you give your love to one person there is none left to give to anyone/everyone else.  Essentially, this model demands that when you fall in love with another person, you have to “pay” for it by withdrawing your love from all other people.  And people do this.  (In my opinion, they’re missing out.)  Love is not the same thing as money.  With money, yeah, you only have a limited amount to spend, and when you give a lot of it to one person you naturally have less to give to another.  But love is an entirely different character and behaves in wonderfully unpredictable ways, often replenishing itself.  When you love more than one person, you soon realize that they more love you give away, the more live you have to give.  Sure, you can give your whole heart to one person.  But you can also give your whole heart to multiple people.

  It’s not possible to love more than one person at a time.   The people who believe this generally feel that, if you’re in a position where you’re in a relationship with one person and find yourself falling for someone else this “proves” you don’t love the person you’re with.  After all, we’re all put on this earth to love only one other person, our one true soul mate in a world of six billion people… the single person who is right for us, and who by some astounding coincidence happens to go to the same school as us, work in the same place as us, or attend the same church as us (or write on the same blog as us?).  I hope you can see why I find this line of thinking ridiculous.   This is the “scarcity model” of love — the notion that love is rare, that we only have one true love, and that once we’ve met that person, the part of our brains which take notice of other people shuts off.  I don’t think this is true.  I think we can love many people.  It’s just important to be upfront about it.  If you’re in a poly relationship, it’s important these philosophies are understood and that the “rules” are clear and everyone abides by them.  Successful poly relationships require trust and security from all involved.  If you can’t abide by the relationship’s rules, you can’t except for the relationship(s) to work. 

  Why and How I’m Poly

  Growing up, I never had a best friend (some people feel the need to express sympathy over this? I don’t know why).  Girls in this society are pretty much expected to have one other female that they do everything with, or a group of females they do everything with, etc.  I never had that.  Sometimes I thought I wanted it, but in the few times that it actually came to formation, I resented my friend for being “clingy.”  I was friendly with anyone and everyone, and I had a hard time distinguishing between acquaintance, friend, and best friend.  It was hard for me to see lines between my friendships; it was hard for me to see the people I told all my secrets to as any more valuable than the people who made me laugh (for example).  Without the people who made me laugh, I’d be miserable, and if I was miserable I wouldn’t want to share my secrets with the people I was sharing my secrets with.  It was very clear to me from a young age that everyone was important and that a particular individual’s role in my life couldn’t honestly be dismissed as “less than”.  I still feel this way about friendships, strongly.

  In middle school, when I was dating boys as a heterosexual female (no comment), I often liked four or five guys at once and dated whichever one of them reciprocated interest.  I dated about six guys between 7th and 9th grade*.  When I first fell in love with a girl, I was dating a boy at the time and had feelings for the best friend of this girl I loved.  Out of the three people I was interested in at the time, I commonly only speak about having been in love with this one girl, but in reality, I definitely did love my boyfriend and was thankful for both him and the relationship, and I was also majorly in love with the friendship I had with this other girl (if not the girl herself).  This is just an example from one short period of one year of my life; of course, I have other examples.

  Slowly I’ve come to recognize that I don’t do well with having “favorites.”  I really struggle prioritizing relationships because I see everyone around me as unique and amazing.  I’ve never done the “best friend” thing and I think it would probably be difficult for me to have only one lover, using the same logic.  If I did have a (single) lover, I would probably be happy with them, though.  Because if they are my lover, it means that they are just as amazing as my friends, meet my (admittedly, really high) standards (which I have blogged about and would happily blog about again), and make my life substantially better by being in it.  I expect emotional, intellectual, physical, spiritual, and sexual compatibility, and I expect their being in my life to reflect back on me favorably.  If I settled for anything less it would be hypocritical to much advice I’ve given recently and contradictory to my entire philosophy of life.
  
  Presently I divide myself among my friends and those I venture to call lovers.  Talking, flirting, cuddling, sharing, deep and emotive conversations, affirmation, affection, quality time, and even sex (on extremely rare occasions) all happens.  I have so many people in my life who mean so much to me on so many different levels (some who live nearby and some across the continent) that none of my relationships are even remotely similar.  And I like that.  It is fun to love and nurture more than one relationship and enjoy them in all their differences.  Different people have different energies and bring out different aspects of my personality; we share different interests and activities, develop different connections, and wind up with entirely different levels of intimacy.  I’ll admit I don’t know if I’ll live this way forever, but the philosophy behind it is something that resonates with me.  And right now it works. 

  *Serial dating:  Dating one person after another after another because you are lonely or miserable or bored.  Not any more ethical than polyamory.  (In fact, I would debate it’s less ethical, if there’s someone who is up for the challenge and wants to argue on the Pro Serial Dating team?)

  How One Friend of Mine Lives  (She’s 38)

  “I am *very* poly, I have been for years now. I have both a biologically male boyfriend and a trans-male boyfriend. We all live together and it works very well. Without them I would not be able to be both a full-time student and mother.  They both decided to support me and my kids and send me to school.  I am a huge believer in the poly lifestyle.  I just don’t feel it’s “fair” to expect one person to meet our needs.  That said, I have other loves besides the two I currently live with; they all are on different levels of intimacy, mostly female (but some male), and not all sexual — but they are my loves all the same. I don’t see them all the time and that could be one of the reasons this all works for me.
  
  “It’s weird to be sharing this with you because it is not something I announce to the world for reasons I most likely don’t have to explain to you. (Basically, because the situation is not “traditional” most “friends” just wouldn’t get it… or worse, they wouldn’t approve.)  The hardest part about living this way is finding someone to talk to that actually understands on an emotional level.  Most people just can’t grasp the concept.”

  For more information, or to see where I stole a lot of information from, check out:  Polyamory? What, like two girlfriends?  For information about jealousy click here. 

  • 3:45 pm
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