April 26, 2011

• college.

  
  

  the above graph, which fails to include making money and paying bills, can be used to explain why i haven't blogged for something like two years.  college has been kicking my ass.  this isn't the entire truth, of course- i mean, no one expects for college students to have to pay their own expenses (or even have expenses to pay) or do maintenance on their car all the time, and i'm sure professors and others in the academic stratosphere don't expect for you to have an endless, undying devotion to one (or several) online community(ies) in addition to your 'live', offline communities.... but that's my reality. 

  and it makes me bitter about college.

  because in between my health classes where i've learned how much sleep i should be getting, water i should be drinking, food i should be eating, and my sociology classes that have informed me of the unequal distribution of, well, pretty much everything across classes.... i still have to go to school, get inadequate sleep, eat overpriced, unhealthy foods, and play into a system that marginalizes people who were born with less wealth than me.  during the day, i do work i don't care about in order to satisfy course requirements that enable me to graduate while i stay up at night on tumblr reading about things i'm passionate about and get no credit for.  i read about social issues, chronic illness, disability, media, advertising, discrimination against trans people and people of color and other minorities, and all these things that i would live my daily life blind to if it weren't for these brave bloggers also taking time away from their busy days to shine light on situations, to educate about these things. 

  so add that to the little chart above.  doing reading for classes vs doing reading about things i feel actually matter.  and maybe another point to address depression and coping with depression and doing things for me so i don't fall into depression like everyone else on my mom's side of the family.  because doing reading for school alone is unfulfilling, but not getting good grades in school is heartbreaking, and not getting enough sleep makes me chronically irritable. 

  i feel like i am constantly wrestling with my privilege, and i don't know how to deal with it.  it's been suggested to me more than once to simply "stop wrestling" and accept my privilege and do things to help those less privileged than me... but it's not that easy.  because i am also wrestling with the areas in which i am marginalized as well, and reading articles about people like me and the things we go through that no one else has to go through.  although this is not the intent of this post whatsoever, i read something yesterday that fits nicely with this train of thought, on how people of dominant groups expect for the marginalized group to teach them about diversity and how not okay that is, and i want to link you to it.  that piece is here and angry and powerful in its anger.  i encourage you to read it so long as you're not scared into your shell by swear words and you can understand that their use of the word "hate" isn't serious, it just aids in the (extremely warranted) rant.  and since the author did not link you to any articles about the transgender woman being beaten in a mcdonalds last week, i will (trigger warnings for graphic violence, violence against trans people, and related): link 1, link 2, link 3 / follow up 1, link 4 / follow up 2 (be thankful i didn't share all 8 of my bookmarked news coverage).  

  actually, while i'm on the subject of trans people in the media and trans people in research and all that, i'm just going to throw some stuff out there for anyone who is interested:
  this is all reaaaally recent unless otherwise stated:
  - study: discrimination takes a toll on transgender americans
  - transgender bill invades women's privacy in bathrooms (propaganda from the right)
  - transgender woman mocked at utah dmv, forced to scrub off makeup
  - transgender woman gets hate mail after visiting dmv (older story than the one above, and separate from it)
     - related: dmv sued by transgender woman over privacy
  - do you want men dressed as women teaching your kids? (static webpage from right right)
     - (to the scardycats: things like this already happen.)
  - a dad testifies for his transgender teen daughter (a touching story)
  - raising a 'fabulous' son
  - hot pink-toenailed boy in j. crew ad sparks controversy
     - boy in pink nail polish sparks online outrage
     - new j. crew ad sparks debate on gender identity confusion
     - and the original article from fox news: j. crew plants the seeds for gender identity
  trans people in general, and trans children specifically, have been getting a lot of media attention lately.

  but this truly wasn't the intention of this post.  

  i'm not sure this post really had an intention, well, other than to acknowledge (complain about) that literally doing *anything* that isn't homework comes at the expense of my homework.  that being a full-time student literally means working full-time, 40+ hours a week, and wow i am totally unprepared to be doing absolutely nothing but homework every minute of every day because that's so not at all realistic.  oh, and to acknowledge my privilege.  because while the half of me complains about homework right now, the other half of me is like, shut up you privileged person, be thankful you're even in school at all, this is an opportunity all too many in the world don't ever get.  so... yeah; where is that line?  because i am thankful to be in school, and i love school, and i am grateful for my education and being wealthy enough and able-bodied enough for it and all those factors... but, if i can just be honest with you for two seconds.... the end of the semester--every semester--makes me incredibly depressed.  because i just can't eatsleepbreathe school, i can't. i can't drop everything that isn't related to school. i can't forgo sleep. i can't stop making time for my partner(s) and friends. i can't turn off my brain, or stop reading the news, or stop reflecting on things that are going on in the world around me, just to get an A in some class i can't even determine whether i care about or not.  i care about my GPA, yeah, sure. i just wish i didn't.

  

  • 12:53 pm
  • 4 Comments