June 2, 2009

  • the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had

    I'm not sure how I feel about my life right now.  I feel like I am keeping too many secrets, and it's driving me insane.  I have to come out as soon as possible, because I just can't do this.  I really just, can't.  Every time I get called daughter it's like someone stabbed me; every time I hear my birth name I feel like the interaction becomes something between two strangers, no matter how close the relation I have to the person (for example, parent-child); I just can't have this.  And it's not the only secret.  I don't share the same religious beliefs, I don't hold the same values or morals, I'm a sexually active person, and I'm dating a girl (and she's only seventeen, and my parents know her parents, and both sets of parents would oppose us if they knew).  I feel like everything is in opposition to me right now.  I don't know how the news got out, and neither does Kara, but we're hot gossip apparently, the "buzz" going around the school, etc.  I have never had to fight like this, I have never had to work so hard for anything in my life as I have to fight to keep Kara in my life.  There are very few people who want us to be together.  I am getting burnt out and depressed, but I can't give up.  Because it's not her fault.  And I love her. 

    I just, feel so emotional, all the time.  It makes me want hormones that much more.  It makes me want therapy.  I'm sorry I gave up on Queerish, but it just became too much.  It's one of those losses that I feel will inspire positive change, though, like how my grandfather dying caused the rest of my family to draw closer together; the emails that I've seen really make it seem like really great changes will be made (some of which I wanted but never had the motivation to initiate).  I never wanted to be the sole person in charge.  Everything is just too much.

    I "broke up" with my gayboyfriend today.  Well, he was never really my boyfriend, but he kind of was (I was his "Internet boyfriend", as he would say), enough that I changed my "Relationships Plus" on Facebook to say that I was "occasional lovers" with him (YES life is defined by one's Facebook status, are you kidding?).  It all seemed to work.  Kara approved of it too.  Everything was so lovely; I had a girlfriend that approved of my active polyamoric(?) status; I could have both a boy and a girl as all false-stereotype-perpetuating bisexuals dream of.  But it became inequitable.  It was starting to become more and more apparent to me that he was more emotionally invested than I was.  I give so much of me to Kara that I have very little energy left for him, which has been fine because he generally doesn't need much, but... lately he has been all "so when are you coming to the city next?????" and he just asked one too many times, I guess.  I can't have him that excited to see me while I myself am so apathetic.  It was sad, because I do actually like him a lot.  I just have finite time and energy.  My love has no limits, but my energy, well, it's on empty.  Completely.

    I have never felt so afraid of the future.  I'm usually so positive.  "Life is an infinite future of possibility!" "You can do anything you want to do!" "You can be anything you dream of!" I just don't believe it right now.  I can't be anything I want to be.  Society is constantly reminding me of who it expects me to be and who it needs for me to be and who it remembers me as.  Some days I think I miss her and other days I couldn't be any more certain that I want to transition further and that this is the path for me.  I wish more people were in this with me.

    I wish my parents were in this with me.

    I wish society didn't oppose me so strongly.  Even if it's the minority of society, it's a pretty vocal minority.

    I just want to feel okay with me.

    Songs that made me cry while I was writing this (in order, because these songs were all on a "random" playlist, but they all carried the appropriate message, and I cried for half an hour straight as each consecutive song played):
      Switchfoot: This is Your Life
      Chevelle:  Panic Prone
      Boy Hits Car: As I Watch the Sun Fuck the Ocean
      Boys Like Girls: Thunder
      Flyleaf:  So I Thought
      Bethany Dillon:  For My Love
      Gary Jules:  Mad World
      Boy Hits Car:  Escape the World
      Swithfoot:  Dare You to Move
      Bethany Dillon:  Beautiful
      The Used:  On My Own

Comments (3)

  • Oh, Eli.  I want to say something wise and comforting.  Unfortunately, I haven't had enough caffeine.  In fact, it's a minor miracle I'm typing. *smile* Seriously, though--this is rough.  And it sounds like it's been a hell of a struggle.  Things are not what you want them to be, and you're living a double life, in a way. 

    I've never been through something like what you're been through.  But I have been in a position where there were rumors going around about me (some utterly ridiculous), and I have heard whispers regarding who I was dating/if I was seeing them etc.  It's not pleasant.  In fact, it's ridiculous.  Like people don't have anything better to do with their time?  *shakes head*  I think that people often start rumors just to cause trouble and feel better about themselves.  Bastards.

    Anyway, you need to do whatever will relief the pressure for you.  And I think that means tells your parents.  Obviously, this is just my opinion, and you have to make the decision yourself.  However, I think that you need to come clean, so to speak.  Because living like this driving you crazy.  It's a different situation entirely, but there was a time I felt like I was living a total lie.  And every time I had to smile and pretend, it almost hurt.  I felt like a fraud.  I plastered a stupid smile on my face, and I played the part.  And that part sucked.  Finally, one day, I just blurted out the truth.  And while it didn't go over with sunshine and roses--it did go over.  Because it was out.

    So, I don't know if I've said anything remotely intelligible.  But I'm here if you need me.  OK, Eli?  Chin up.  And for whatever it's worth, I'm behind you.  And I support you.

  • I do wish I had something inspirational or comforting to say, but I'm always at such a loss for words when it comes to these things over the internet.

    I think these are phases we all go through in life.  what am i doing with myself?  where am i going?  what secrets am i keeping?  Though I haven't gone through anything like the struggles you are facing, and can't say with any confidence that the struggle will dissipate, I think the most important thing is to find some kind of peace within the struggle.  If that means coming out to your parents, and accepting their struggle with it; or if it means finding some kind of peace before you move forward on that front ... do what will make you, if not happy, then at peace.

    It seems that you have a good support line in your girlfriend, hold onto that.

    I'm "here" for you too.  The fact that "here" is Xanga ... well, whattaya gonna do? 

  • I would write something long, too, but they beat me to it, so simply:

    I love you! 

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